Porqué?

Why are people from the Philippines called Filipinos and not Philippinos?
Why is the local ATM machine programmed to speak with a British accent?
Why is the local catering lady so bitchy?
Why is Trivial Pursuit Book Lover’s edition so hard?
Why do I still not understand Tivo?
Why do my boobs drop a millimeter per day? Is it global warming?
Why is rice pudding an internationally favorite dessert of all countries?
Why don’t people drink more cold duck?
Why is it fun and gross to watch the rats on the El tracks?
Why is my name plate on my desk at home turned upside down?
Why do people like upside down cake?
Why is it so fun to play in the bathtub?
Why do I always think I have boogers hanging out of my nose while I’m teaching?

Neurotica

I can actually feel my brain cracking from stress. It’s super sicko. This conference stuff is literally killing me. I know I’m totally neurotic, but whatthefuckever. I know trendy M understands the neurosis syndrome because she suffers from it, too.

I still don’t have the mental capacity to write in complete sentences or paragraphs, so here’s another list. I’ll just call it stupid stuff:

Not really a list of stupid stuff – just stupid thoughts:

I tried to buy a bamboo steamer at the Asian market yesterday and the girl working at the cash register asked me TWICE what I was planning on doing with it. What?

Tori Spelling’s new reality show, So NoTORIous, will premiere on April 2. I’m super psyched – even though I’ll be in Madison that night discussing collaborating in cyberspace.

That Lobster essay from “Best American Essays – 2005” rocked! It was sort of like a miniature Moby Dick about lobsters, even though I hate Moby Dick (the novel, not the other potential innuendo cause those totally rock! Shit that book nearly fucking killed me my sophomore year BECAUSE WE SPENT THE ENTIRE SEMESTER ANALYZING THE FUCK OUT OF IT AND NEVER READ ANYTHING ELSE AND IT TRAUMATIZED ME FOREVER!!!!!!!!).

I finally extracted the wooden splinter that swiftly infiltrated the thick and calloused skin of my left heel last week. It reminded me of my Mark Vonnegut incident back in 1979. I think this is before he went nutso. Maybe I made him nutso?

My tits are still fucking killing me!! Today, I actually wore TWO bras. How insane is that? Everyone keeps telling me it’s the caffeine. I’m going to try cutting down to one cup a day, but that’ll be super tough. Coffee is the elixir of life.

Ken loved buttocks

In the latest issue of Vanity Fair (April 2006), there is a great original copy of evil note exchanges between the late British theater critic, Kenneth Tynan (KT), and his wife, Kathleen (K). It goes something like this (and, yes, these were typed notes):

List of things about KT currently disapproved of by K:

- Physical laziness
- Sexual remissness
- Eating habits
- Drinking habits
- Bathing habits
- Conversational egotism
- Interest in cricket
- Sloppy thinking
- Inability to dance
- Weakness of memory

List of things about K disapproved of by KT:

- Can’t spell
- Bad at games like all girls
- Bad at organization like all girls
- Bad at languages
- Talks to other men too long
- Is too polite
- Likes tasteless food

This is completely hilarious. I wonder if I should type a note to the German with a list of things I disapprove of. Actually, it wouldn’t be too hard. I think it would go something like this:

List of things about the German currently disapproved of by Dr. BF:

- Serial killer van, old cars and boats sitting in driveway as storage units
- Doesn’t use napkins as frequently as he should
- Likes Dinty Moore beef stew
- Still has ill-fitting girly like orange shorts in closet
- Too concerned with function over fashion
- Likes the smell of rubbing alcohol

I’m pretty sure his disapproval list about me would look something like this:

List of things about Dr. BF currently disapproved of by Das Deutsche:

- Napkin Nazi
- Spends too much money on dishes and then doesn’t like them
- Wastes water, food, and is energy inefficient
- Talks too much when I’m trying to sleep
- Pretends she knows how to speak German
- Asks me three times a day if I have any gossip
- Does not like the smell of rubbing alcohol

13 Strike Rolls

This past week I …

1. Taught 11 classes
2. Attended several boring or perplexing meetings
3. Wore a summer skirt with winter tights and boots and looked like I had a hanger sticking out of my ass
4. Had my period
5. Worked ten hours of reference
6. Had sex (once)
7. Ate very salty beef stew which made me super puffy
8. Got really fucking tired from the barrage of emails from the Wisconsin Librarians listserv asking who has library related license plates like "info2go." Who frickin' CARES??????
9. Went to P&Ks house for homemade chicken soup, cheddar biscuits and wine (yum yum!)
10. Continued to figure out the budget for upcoming conference
11. Extracted a calcium deposit from right eyelid with a needle and tweezers
12. Realized the power of aspirin
13. Drank beer and watched P dance around like Lisa Lubner
14. Watched the basement band sport various t-shirt looks – kinda like the old Multiples store advertisements
15. Found out that R & N also have to “silly putty” their boobs to fit into bra cups like model clay and that I am not alone
16. Found my salad dressing container in Other Ns fridge
17. Read part of the Women’s Liberation book I have to write a review for that is due on Monday
18. Once again realized that my skin is most horrifying, just like sassy black girl in Chicago told me
19. Went to a dance performance and saw another excerpt from CATS – THE WORST MUSICAL EVER EVER EVER MADE!!!!
20. Vowed that I would never ever again see CATS as long as I live
21. Sent 72 emails
22. Found out that Pure Sugar Magic and Ghost Dog celebrated Tortuga’s 6-month birthday
23. Helped the German figure out what he has to pack and encouraged him to leave the snowsuit at home and told him that I was going to miss him :-(
24. Set off three smoke alarms cooking pizza in the oven
25. Argued [again] that Wagner sucks and no one can convince me otherwise – EVER!!!
26. Predicted faculty would beat me up at the workshop and they didn’t
27. Tried to remember the name of the bar that Tim and I used to hang out at in Chicago on George or School Street near Racine
28. Realized I have moved 23 times in 41 years
29. Got the most enthusiastic screams and hugs ever from my dance kids that performed Friday night.
30. Found out that G& P delivered four baby goats and they named one after me :-)
    

These boots weren’t made for walking

Yup, I really did it today. I wore two different boots to work. Luckily they were both black, but one has a 3 inch heel and the other has almost none. Is my brain that wasted that I didn’t even notice I was limping to work or that something must have felt off-kilter? It probably ties into the dream I had last night where the German showed up to a Faculty Senate meeting in his infamous Michelin man snowsuit and showed everyone that he had his bathrobe underneath and a Geiger counter in his pocket. Creepy. I have to say today’s heel fiasco is a case where those 15 years of ballet training came in handy. I was able to teach a business class for 75 minutes with one foot on halfpoint to match the other heel as a magical disguise, all while discussing country profiles, key industry ratios and SWOT analysis reports, walking, talking, demonstrating searches AND distributing handouts. I think I fooled all 42 students, and the professor. If that’s not multi-tasking, I don’t know what is.

Someone asked me today where I was from. I told her Chicago. She said, “oh, yer from down south.” I never laughed so hard in my life.

Most frequently asked stupidest reference question: “Could you tell me where the reference room is?”

Fred Willard is uber hot! He gives me Nipsey Russell. I love that guy. I thought he was in Mary Hartmann Mary Hartmann, but maybe not. That was a great show. Really really great. He was so hot in Nussknacker. Everything sounds so fucking whacked out in German. What a royally fucked up language. Criminy.

Here’s a word of the day for the basement band posse – Trailer Hitch:

Guitar Face
The act of making an unusual face while playing the guitar. The look typically resembles a look of pain, intense ecstasy, or sometimes even plain old gas. “Man, that solo was sweet but he had total guitar face going on.”

Heisse Möse

Why don’t people say “pussy pucker” more often?

The German and I are proud parents of three new appliances – fridge, washer and dryer. They arrived Tuesday, February 28 at 12:35 p.m., and weighed 785 pounds. The washer scares the shit out of me. It looks very complex, and blazoned on the cover of the instructions reads: “You can be killed or seriously injured if you don’t immediately follow instructions.” What the fuck? It gets worse. I continued reading and started having heart palpitations at every turn. The tone is so harsh, and there are constant references to “failure to do so can result in death, explosion or fire.” Jesus!

Why are librarians considered the bottom feeders of the academic world?

Today, the German found out he is officially a full professor, and he actually announced that he may throw a party. This stunned me into silence (which is EXTREMLY rare). More details to come. He leaves for Germany in two weeks, and will be gone for five. He got some fancy fellowship from the Goethe Institute and will be researching German-Jewish-monkey-art-statue-dynamite stuff. He’s pretty stoked. I have to say five weeks is a bit too long for me. He was going to Germany frequently when his parents were sick about five years ago. I’m fine for the first couple of weeks, but then I start to go a little crazy and weird things always happen to me, like the bat incident, or the other bat/shoulder incident (yuck, I don’t even like thinking about it, but luckily there were no rabies shots).

Why does “hussy pussy” not sound as good as “fussy pussy?”

It could be said that surrealism states that narratives, paradoxically, has significance, given that sexuality is interchangeable with language. The primary theme of the works of Stone is the genre, and some would say the collapse, of material society. [I sure do love that postmodern (de)generator.]

Why are librarians considered the bottom feeders of the academic world?

I tried on a lilac colored hippy shirt today at Vagabond Imports. It was short sleeved and had elastic all around the collar and at the sleeve. The shirt puffed out a bit and had some decorative embroidery. I looked pregnant, and the sleeves were cutting off my circulation. The sleeves looked like those weird neon colored arm floats that children wear in waiting pools - plus it reeked of incense. I didn’t buy it. (Rerun from my July 18, 2005 posting. If the networks can do it, then so the fuck can I!)

Why is it so fun to say “my pussy ate a cock today?”