Wolcott is da bomb!

Man, I’m sick with a stupid cold and it takes like four times as long to do simple tasks. I hate that. I’m also semi-delirious, but most people don’t notice because they think I’m like this all the time.

Man, I can’t believe how much the drooler still fucking annoys the crap out of me. First of all, aside from his grody bodily noises and same outfit everyday for the last 6 years, he has this propensity for striking up conversations with other “community users” (the term user in library land is vastly different from the term user in skanky street-drug land). He’s loud and asks the most asinine things, and then the other “riveting” community users just fall right into his path of conversational despair. It’s horrifyingly annoying, and there’s not a fucking thing we can do about it because stupid libraries are “there for the people to do whatever the hell they want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Man alive. Seinfeld had it right - Government's pathetic friend.

Man, I heard the greatest line in the reference room the other day. Some chic got mad at what looked like to be her boyfriend and told him to “Go Google Yourself!!!” I love it.

Man, today I wore a dress to work. It looked hideous. It’s because I can’t wear dresses – period- ever. Wretchedly bad. I have the body of a table and tables don’t look good in dresses. Note to self. The German even said to me, “you look like a librarian today.” Can you think of anything more awful to say to someone?

Man, I heard these chicks in the reference room the other night rating their blow job abilities. What the fuck? First of all, I was quite surprised at how “skillful” they all thought they were. Then they were rating themselves on a scale of 1 – 10 (10 being the highest). Seriously, not one of them rated themselves lower than an 8.5. Wow. What confidence. I guess that’s a good thing. I’d give myself a 2.5 and that’s on a good day!

Man, I miss Jews. I know that sounds like a crazy thing to say, but I've watched like 17 episodes of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and I realized how much I miss them just being around. There are no Jews in this town (maybe one or two). No good delis, no good bagels, no good humor. Sucks (yes, I know I just stereotyped).

Man, I’m still digging that Prada shirred gray and olive green skirt with the knee-high stirrup red socks and variegated platform peek-a-boo heels. This would cost me at least one month’s salary. Damn it.

Man, I was going to have a contest about something, but now I don’t remember what for. Someone help me out. Fred?

Man, I can't believe how much I love...

King size new and improved cheesiest blazin' wings!

Products that should never have been new & improved:

- 3 Musketeers Mint Dark Chocolate (mint with unidentifiable nougat fluff?)
- Twix white chocolate (why?)
- Twix triple chocolate (Too much chocolate)
- Twix peanut butter with chocolate cookie (LEAVE THE TWIX ALONE, fuckers)
- New Coke (?)
- Coke II (??)
- Coke Zero (???????)
- Cheesier Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (additional fake yellow powder does not make it cheesier)
- Cheesiest Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (darker yellow powder does not make it cheesiest)
- Pibb Xtra (Mr. Pibb continues to languish in obscurity at the low-rent Arby’s compared to Dr. Pepper at the upscale Taco Bell. I’m sure they’ll go back to “Mr. Pibb Classic” in a couple of years)
- Mountain Dew Game Fuel (Mountain Dew should be banned – period. I bet cars could run on this piss shit).
- New Charmin with quilting (why? Why does toilet paper need a design? The poop smear will look the same with or without quilting)
- Tampax Pearl (pearly finish?)
- Tampax Fresh (there’s nothing fresh about dried brown blood)
- Tampax Compak (these somehow shoot up your crotch never to be found again)
- Kellog’s Frosted Flakes “Drink ‘n Crunch” (drink ‘n crunch sounds like an aerobic porn video)
- Oscar Mayer’s Fast Franks in a Soft Warm Bun – Microwave in 35 seconds! (I think I’d rather eat an old hot dog that’s been sweating for hours on those curling iron rods at the gas station)
- Goldfish Flavor Blasted Blazin’ Buffalo Wings (why should certain foods taste like other foods? Isn’t that what the other food is for to begin with?)
- Colgate’s Max Fresh Blast Whitening toothpaste with whitening strips (this stuff is as toxic as Mountain Dew. I think it gave me mouth herpes)
- Trojan Xtra Vibrating Ring – Intimate vibrations for both partners (okay, this one sounds intriguing)

It’s also interesting how so many products are now made to fit car cup holders. I mean think about it: Kleenex, soup, rubbers, cereal, nuts, candy, cookies, hamburgers. Too much.

Cocktober Fest in Chicago

I'm currently sitting at the lovely Pagoda Red Gallery in Chicago helping out Lors and M since they were unexpectedly short staffed today. Tonight we’re going to Redfish to hear Toronzo. That will be a guaranteed good time. Last night I met Nivea for dinner and she surprised me not only with treating me to dinner (a rare occurrence), but she also received her latest royalty statement and a check for $14,500! Pretty fucking awesome. We celebrated with Margaritas, Mariachis, Marlboro Lights, and some Mole.

It’s Cocktober fest in Boystown here, so the “boys” are running around wild and hyped up on Viagra, "hole stretching," and other assorted recreational drugs. Crazy gay shit.

I’m thinking about going on a Blog strike so I can concentrate on my other writing, which has been pretty dismal for many months. I’m also going to demand better wages and benefits! Hopefully there won’t be any union scabbing.

Speaking of writing, BP in the Eng Dept has a story in the October issue of Esquire. I don’t know who in Esquireville is in charge of editorial production or art direction, but the story is laid out in single sentences on the bottom header of non-contiguous pages. While it's nice to have your name blasted on the cover, reading a story in this graphical layout makes following it rather difficult and distracting with all the ad pages you have to zip through to get back to the story. My advice is to cut out each sentence and glue it to a separate sheet of paper - like serial killers writing ransom notes - to have a continuous story.

Speaking of serial killers, I was listening to "Thieves" by Ministry on my way up here and all I could think of was that this was the kind of song you have playing as background music when you're chopping up bodies in a wood chipper. Super satanically intense and not really good daytime driving music.

Good “E!” quote of the day: “Flavor Flav looks like a turd with a face on it.”

Stay tuned for strike.