Colossal onions of excellence!!

UPDATES posted Friday night 9/14 at 8:02 p.m. (see below and under "scary fashion trends"
Aside from the new Chili's in town, the "Blue Top" restaurant reopened. Here are some highlights from the local newspaper:

• The new "Cabana Bar and Sports Lounge" section of the restaurant has been renovated as an "upscale tiki bar done in rain forest bamboo" featuring eight large flat-screen TVs (we don't have enough of those in the local bars)
• "The sports bar will have NFL Ticket so people can watch a full slate of professional football games on Sunday." (yeah, we NEED MORE FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially 8 games showing at once).
• The bar will also feature an Internet jukebox "...that will stay current with the latest trends in music," and an ATM and gaming machines.
• The "fine dining" facility has been "...renovated in a Las Vegas lounge-type style. It includes Rat Pack icons like Frank Sinatra on the windows. We might call the fine dining facililty the 'Sinatra Room,' said the new owner. "
• The menu will include "Frank Sinatra's Veal Cutlets Milanese (supposedly a favorite of Sinatra's according to the new owner). The menu will also feature "famous broasted chicken and ocean cod fish fries (Fridays only)."

Man, I can't WAIT to check this place out!!!!!!!!! Who's game????

Chili’s comes to town!!
We just got a “new” Chili’s in town. The people in Chicago are cracking up over it ‘cause like Chili’s has been around since the 80s (possibly even the 70s). It is the home, as we all know, of the awesome “AWESOME BLOSSOM® - We bring together our hand-battered and seasoned, fried colossal onion and our famous seasoned sauce for an awesome treat! $7.49.” And it’s even a registered trademark! Chili’s is also home to the El Nino Caribbean rum punch spectacular drink and the new “Crispy Honey Chipotle Chicken Crispers.” That’s a mouthful! Interestingly, all the photos in their corporate menu binder look like porn shots. Every food and drink item is splashing, spilling, or dripping into someone’s mouth. Pretty kinky if you ask me. The binder menu also weighs about 40 pounds.

Annoying administrator speak: Part II
EXCELLENCE: student excellence, teaching excellence, the center for excellence, staff excellence, prize for excellence, supporting excellence… Blah!!! Boo to excellence!!! Watered down mushy icky meaningless yucko word that is WAY overused in higher education. If everyone in the world would strive for excellence, no one would ever be happy because it’s impossible to achieve – ‘cause like most of us are not above average given the very nature of the term. Whatever. Blah again!!!! I say no to excellence.

Scary fashion trends
Thanks to Notorious Lors for sending me these freak shots (and her commentary)...

What the heck is this??????
Or this???????
Check out the anorexic stylist to the stars

Chloe fucking Seviche whatever. This woman is considered a "fashion icon" and she always looks like shit. Like this....

Soccer mom from Berwyn posing as Debbie Harry

Updates:
Pooch pops out 8 pups (D & O/Ns doggy)
Chance may have liver hepatitis, liver cancer, or liver nodules (sad face)
Circulation candy dish has not been updated with new candy since LAST SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!! Even after its brand new location.
My mother made pickles
My parents lost weight (20 pounds for dad, 14 for mom)
Our house is being tuck pointed – MESSY
New fashion trend among the kids today - tube tops (no more muffin tops or crack asses)
I’m going to Chicago soon!!!!!!!!!
I’m craving a bloody mary
I’m getting my period
People are too busy
Work is annoyingly busy
People are annoying

God and tinfoil

School just started this week (actually it started yesterday, but it seems like weeks ago). It's the same ol' same ol' feeling of being overwhelmed, but I'm going to try to not get so nutso this year. The sick part is that I actually like part of my nutsoness because I think it keeps me on task and I get loads of shit done - despite being hyper, stupid, cranky and neurotic.

My dog still has the weirdo shits. I have no idea what to do anymore. 10 days and counting. Been to the vet, still taking pills, still acting normal, but the bowels prove otherwise.

The last two days I’ve been working on “localizing” a translated employee manual for someone in China who is a friend of my crazy fun Chinese friend, Y. It’s due tomorrow at noon. It’s been a kinda fun and kooky project, and I believe I counted 276 uses of the word “shall” within 25 pages. Those crazy Chinese!!!!!!!!!! Gotta love em.

I’m trying to up the ante on my wardrobe this year. We’ll see how it goes. Today I managed to wear trouser jeans with a crazy tiger print top with a bright bloody-red hem and neckline. Interesting. But given my short time span this morning, it was all I could manage. Now that I cleaned my closet (and took 16 paper shopping bags of clothes, shoes and jewelry to Goodwill), I found things I never even knew I had. That’s super sick and overindulgent.

The Chancellor actually commented (positively) on my black and tan vertigo tights and purple spectator pumps at last week’s picnic, so I guess my attempts at wardrobe “upping” are working thus far. Side note: Is there a reason for serving the grossest and most unctuous potato salad ever at all higher education picnics?

Some kid at school today asked me if my keychain was a cock ring. He said it so nonchalantly. And I responded in the same nonchalant way – “no, it’s a key ring.” After reflection, it really could double as both a cock ring and a key ring, so I guess that’s “handy.”

There’s a new dude in the English Department who has published quite the creative shit in some pretty impressive publications, and I’m a bit in awe and a tad envious I must say. That doesn’t happen very often to me (the feeling of being awestruck by someone). I’m not sure why the hell he came here, but there must be some goofball reason. I’m going to have to get to know this guy and get on his good side in the hopes of getting some writing tips and suggestions. That would be super awesome! I bet he would tell me to stop writing stupid shit like “super awesome.” I am over 18.

Anyone who is willing to leave a comment on my blog will get some type of monetary compensation. The amount “shall” be determined by the content and creativity of “said commenter’s” comment (can you tell I’ve been proofreading this crazy Chinese manual?).

Thinkin' 'Bout...

- My frickin’ overflowing closet of shit I’m trying to clean
- My dog’s heinous diarrhea squirting of 5 days and counting
- How overwhelmed I'm feeling about my dance teaching commitments I GOT MYSELF INTO this year
- How gross oatmeal is without anything on it
- How good those Coochie Hoochie drinks were at R & Ms house last night
- How disappointed I was to find out that our local Bin 6075 wine/beer locale attached to grocery store does not carry Jay-Z’s Armadale vodka.
- The amount of white rice that’s currently in our fridge
- What I’m going to write for my next writing group since I haven’t turned anything in since last February!
- The work work I have to do this semester (ugh)
- Calling Granny before she kills me and never speaks to me again (she’s already mad at me)
- Trans-gendered people, identity, categories, confusion, intersexion, etc.
- How much I miss Notorious Lors
- Getting out of dodge and heading to Chicago soon to hang with my posse and soak in some city shit before this country shit gets to me
- This controversial G-Spot amplification procedure done by some doc at the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute in Los Angeles (of course it’s LA).
- How I’ll incorporate this fall’s trend of plumage into my current wardrobe
- How I wish summer was just starting, and how I wish people would stop farting.

Best quote of the day:
"I've always felt that life itself, and this is no brilliant observation, is a tremendously tragic event, I mean a real mess. I do have a bleak, pessimistic view of life and man's fate, the human condition, but I do feel there are some extremely amusing oases in that morass."
Woody Allen being interviewed at the Venice Film Festival about his new film, "Cassandra's Dream."