To Do

1. Shoot self if server is hacked again by Korean Gamers
2. Prepare for a brazillion library instruction sessions over next 28 days
3. See if broken capillaries can be zapped by using the German’s bacteria electrocution kit
4. Figure out how to load those frickin’ images on D2L!
5. Throw out black t-shirt worn today that is shredding before my eyes
6. Figure out how to submerge body into a vat of Vaseline during dry winter months
7. Investigate “Stuff” magazine to determine why their cover girl can kick my cover girl’s ass
8. Reorganize office drawers and throw out old crackers
9. Get excited about 19th century Chinese locking cabinet (in Chicago) that L got me as a gift
10. Feel happy that my weekly drink outings have cured me of colds this year
11. Try to understand why D likes to spontaneously flash his ass
12. Work on porn poetry/gonzo script using technology terms
13. Prepare for Madison conference without hyperventilating
14. Make sure there is plenty of booze at the Librarian conference
15. Start a www.rateyourlibrarian.com web site
16. Figure out how to stop the comforter from sliding off the bed every night
17. Read more about why Lance broke up with Sheryl
18. Write book review (and read book first)
19. Try to pepper current uninteresting vocabulary with catchy Russian phrases to impress people
20. Be conscious of appropriate nodding with wrinkled brow when people are discussing serious issues so I look absorbed and interested
    

Deep Linking

When the chips are down, the whole frickin’ world comes to a screeching halt. Technology really bites ass some times. You just want to say, “proxy this, asshole!” Thank god that card catalog still sits in storage in the basement because I’m ready to haul it upstairs with a big fat arrow telling people that we’re going retro.

Yesterday, the German and I spent the entire day searching for a new fridge, washer and dryer. Early in the morning, he requested that we both read the latest Consumer Report ratings on all models – including repair records and customer comments – and determine what appealed to us prior to our shopping trip. This already made me completely exhausted. As a matter of fact, I’m already completely bored with this story. The up note is that after many many hours, we finally purchased three new appliances and managed to get rid of our existing ones on freecycle.org (thanks to N&M for the tip). I must say, this whole process was a good relationship exercise because the German soon realized that my tolerance level for shopping is minimal, which shocked him - and I bet that news is shocking to many.

This past Saturday, P and I went up North to visit “Pure Sugar Magic” and tortuga at the G-string cafe. We all had a good time and good laughs. Later on, P and I went to N&M’s place for the kid party. Lots of people there. I had a good time and probably drank too much, which is good since it’s one of my New Year’s resolutions. M, Plum, N, “other N” and I also shared some good laughs reading the ol’ Lutheran church cookbooks. The most notable, if I recall, was the tomato salad, which I believe consisted of lemon Jell-O, canned tomatoes, mayo, a can of tiny shrimp, and some other nasty stuff gelatinified into a mold of some sort (yes, I made that earlier word up because it sounds soooo good). I also learned that plutonium is real and not from Superman cartoons, and that you can’t buy it at surplus and keep it in your garage. It’s just another one of those correspondence school mishaps. Good times.

Don’t forget, the Dr. Bibfash advice column is ACTIVE and waiting for more worldly questions. Please read below for topics that I will discuss. Topics that I will not discuss include religion (well, depends), politics (also depends), general math, puking, wind direction, all science related issues, blood stuff, and boring stuff.

Daddy Long Legs

In less than 24 hours, I’ve had two fashion questions for my advice column. I knew putting “Dr.” in front of my name would make a world of difference.

My friend, “other N,” has spent a ridiculous amount of money on tall-sized pants from J. Crew (like $500! Was she high when she bought these?). Anyway, her problem is that she’s a lanky gal, and the new pants she purchased have a 35” inseam and are a tad too long. She’s worried about ruining them while walking. Plus, she can’t return them because they were on sale.
Well, there’s an easy fix to this quandary: High heels! Like CFM stiletto high. Then you don’t have to worry about scuffing the cuffs, and you can look down on everyone because you’ll be superiorly tall. I think that would be most awesome. Alternatively, you can have that cosmetic leg shortening surgery. I think there’s a local guy here who performs these, along with orthodontic work. I can get the name for you, and I’ll look into local tailors. I vote HIGH HEELS!!!

Fashionably yours,
Dr. BF

Ask Dr. Bibfash

Well, thanks to R and her clever ideas, I am starting an advice column. I searched the web for about 5 minutes and realized that most advice columns are written by “doctors,” hence Dr. Bibfash. It’s more professional sounding.

While my advice column will lean toward fashionably disinclined librarians, I may just venture into the world of dating, acne, marriage, neighbors, porn, bad musicals, pets and more.

Here’s the format: You can post your question(s) to me in the comments section, and I will try to respond within 1-35 days (depends on how busy I am, even though fancy pants “other N” thinks I have nothing better to do than write this frickin’ blog!).

My fashionable friend M sent me a query today about her latest fashion crisis – and it’s a doozy.
Having spent most of her life living an international cosmopolitan lifestyle, she has recently moved to the largest pork producing state in the Midwest - and she’s suffering from the effects of local environmental fashion apparel. As she puts it, “a veritable crime spree of incompatible fabrics, Iowa-appropriate ‘ensembles’ – you name it.” Intimately familiar with this syndrome when I moved to Central Wisconsin from Chicago, I call it the “garanimal factor.” Inundated with mix-and-match separates, this syndrome can really take a toll on your psyche and your wardrobe! The worst is when someone thinks you’re local. M has made a mental note of what she’s wearing every time someone asks "Are you originally from Iowa?" and earmarks the offending items for imminent Goodwill drop-off. There is only one cure for this problem: buy every damn high-fashion magazine you have access to and take careful note of designer profiles, the fashion scoop and scene, and mimic what you can while incorporating your own hip style. Don’t let those jumpers get the best of you. Good luck, M.

Public Appearances

I'll be adding my Appearance Schedule soon (see Appearances listed under Links), but here's a snapshot of what's happening in the upcoming month (don't forget to mark your calendars):

Public Appearances 2006:
Librarian and Best-Selling Author of Blog Comments and Amazon Book Reviews

Wednesday, Feb 15, 2006 – Room 107. SOLD OUT
Saturday, Feb 18, 2006 - Party at N&M's house.
Sunday, Feb 19, 2006 - Reference Desk.
Wednesday, Feb 22, 2006 – My Office. To purchase tickets for this event, contact Ticketmaster.

Sending a "shout out" to my blog posse

A big gigantic thanks to my biblio posse - Surlycheshire (aka "Pure Sugar Magic"), ShatShat, mysterious J (who are you?), and all the other silent posse members (like Iowaonian M - the most fashionable librarian I know) who send me comments. It rocks my world. Even though I'm probably destined to be walking around this town in my pee-stained nightie, smoking Pall Malls, drinking 40-ounce Mickeys, and talking to myself with my missing front teeth and scratching my non-existent ass, at least someone cared enough to read and comment on my blog. Danke schön meine liebe lesers.

The German is walking around in his Michelin snowsuit with a navy beret and he's staring at things in the house with some type of portable spectrometer. It's suspect. I better go.

Fashionable Frostbite

How pathetic am I? I wrote an Amazon review for Augusten Burroughs’ upcoming work called “Possible Side Effects” that will be released in May. I’m such a horn dog for B-grade publicity that I’m trying to get my name out by writing blog comments and reviews for unpublished writing. How sick is that? Of course the people at Amazon didn’t post it, and they probably put my message in the “psycho sicky” folder in Outlook and forwarded it to the FBI. It’s just like the crazy woman that wrote McDonalds Headquarters asking for a napkin from the states that she had not yet visited. It was her “life’s dream” to complete her project of pasting McDonalds napkins she saved from the restaurants she visited on her life-size map of the U.S. that was in her basement. She was still missing a few states and wasn’t sure she would get to all of them. Of course, McDonalds uses the SAME BRAND OF INSTITUTIONAL NAPKINS IN EVERY STATE (hello???), but she was pretty quick to realize this, so she requested that the napkins be mailed from specific McDonalds so she would have the postmarked envelope to prove it came from that state and not headquarters. Yep, I’m in the sicky folder now with this chick.

Today on my way to work, I spotted a young woman walking to school wearing a summer gauze skirt with flip flops. There were no tights or socks, and her calves were the color of red M&Ms. It was minus 20 degrees. I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be a sexy winter look? Did Andre Leon Talley blurt out that frostbite was fashionable and I just missed it?

The big Arts fest this past Saturday was pretty fun, but the DJ gets a grade C this year. With the exception of one or two songs, there was no definitive beat and too much pop-techno whatever music. The after party was also fun at fabulous SS’s house who actually puts out fancy plates and silverware for potato chips and dip. You have to love that. I also laughed my ass off so hard at C’s comments about being lured back to the Wood County printing industry from his pseudo stint in Vegas that I actually strained a stomach muscle. At the end of the night, P and I proved to be good EMTs when A took a nasty spill on the ice and was bleeding all over the creation and broke her wrist. Not good, but it could have been worse. Maybe I should consider a nursing career?

Note to self: change sub-title to “Memoir based on semi half-truths.”

Other note to self if lawsuit should occur over memoir: Be sure mom does answer the media with phrases like, “I can’t discuss this matter in a worldy way because my poetry, prose and life are about my relationship with God, and I see the entire situation as a rich opportunity for growth, forgiveness and love for every single one of the beautiful people involved." You really don’t need any other supporting evidence.