Rejiggering the local economy

I stopped at the Cedar Creek Mall before my writing group on Sunday (totally ROCKED - writing group – ‘cause we talked about romance novels, and M gave us several “sexy times” pages to read for ideas for her romance smack down chapter coming up. WOO HOO! I can’t wait to dive into those) to see if Bass Outlet had any “cool” shoes (yes, this statement is filled with self pity and remorse for those of you who have access to real shoes), and surprise, surprise, they did not. They did have plenty-o middle-aged mom pastel and cropped pant spring wear coordinates though with matching faux-leather handbags that don’t zip properly.

Strangely, the mall parking lot was PACKED to the gills, an odd site for empty mall syndrome that seems to be spreading around here (for the better I think). Turns out that the lawn, tractor and fertilizer show was going on and I’ve never seen so much farmer-type gear and farmer-type arts & crafts – like decorative mirrors shaped into John Deere earth moving equipment and shit like that. And, of course, those sweet toasted almonds and cashew Almond Tree kiosks seemed to be everywhere (the competition was selling pecans).

Somehow I wound up in this new store called Steve & Barry (I think I was pushed in there by some tractor field device or it was the aroma of toasted almonds) and I was literally mesmerized walking around that place like I had landed on some alien space station. First of all, the price point for everything (AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE ITEM IN THAT STORE) is $8.98: down coats, shoes, evening wear, a pair of socks, a t-shirt, earrings, purses, etc. How did they come up with this $8.98??? Is the stuff made out of leftover toxic sludge in those sweatshops in Asian places? Plus, they have “designers,” such as Sarah Jessica Parker (Bitten is her line), Amanda Bynes (Dear is her line – who is this chick?), and Venus Williams (ELEVEN is her line – the V is in some type of Roman numeral rap font). It’s frickin crazy in there (they have kids shit, infant shit, lady shit and man shit, too. Oh yeah, and candy). I highly recommend a trip. And, I bought a Sarah Jessica Parker necklace for $8.98. Seriously. I don’t know what to make out of the place. Here’s Steve & Barry’s story:

Steve & Barry’s® is about change. It's about changing the way that consumers shop for their clothes and changing the way that retailers cater to them. Steve & Barry’s is about stripping away the gloss and giving consumers something real. The fact is that great clothing doesn't really have to cost that much. It's a simple idea, but also a big idea—big enough, that is, to turn the industry on its ear. By delivering on our promise to provide premium apparel at impossibly low prices, Steve & Barry’s is single-handedly changing the retail landscape. We're busting the model. Steve & Barry’s significantly impacts whole communities, rejiggers shopping patterns, alters local economies, and sometimes even changes lives for the better.

I don’t know what “rejiggers” means, and I don’t know how clothing for $8.98 can make lives for the better – sometimes – but that’s what they do.

Most heinous music videos

Thanks to PSM & J for this blog idea and her prompting me to reflect on two “fine” music videos of our time.

First, let me start by saying I have never understood music videos since their inception on MTV in 1981 (Anyone remember J.J. Jackson as a VJ??). Seriously. What’s the point? Music videos started as a strange montage of a band playing mixed with some poorly choreographed Debbie Allen affair that was a crossbreed of semi soft-porn dance moves with a sprinkle of Saved by the Bell flavor. Some tried to incorporate a “plot” - like gonzo pizza porns, which just never worked. At least in pizza porn there was some type of climax, but music videos? People just gawked with a furrowed brow

#1 most heinous music video
Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart (Go to YouTube to watch - 1983)

Where to start? Well, I think Jasonwinback of YouTube comment section page three said it best about Bonnie, “it gives me goosepump when she peak her voice it sound like its gonna shred.” Yes, goosepumps and shredding sounds just about right. This little delight, back from 1983 (album was "Faster than the Speed of Light"), combines a Paula Abdul Ninja ballet clad in swan wings, settings of old church facades and horny school boys, all the while Bonnie is wind swept in her Dynasty rags smothered in glossy Mary Kay cosmetics. And what can we make from the "Man from Mars" kid with neon-glowing googly eyes? It is the “gayest non-gay” video ever, as commenter #47 said on page five.

#2 most heinous music video
Animotion – Obsession (Go to YouTube to watch - 1985)

The opening of this video appears to be a Middle Eastern banana playing the symbols and then it immediately cuts to an aerobic Charlie Sheen and Tina Yothers (dressed in the finest 1980s gaudy gear) jamming out to that 4/4 beat – You are an OBSESSION! This is a strange one. Seems to take place in some posh California backyard pool with space men and Cleopatra costume clad people all fencing and pondering their reflections in the water. Purpose? It's anyone's guess. Again, at least in porn there is a climax. Couldn’t tell you what the “producer/choreographer/band” was trying to tell the audience in this clown-like pastiche of nonsense.

#3 most heinous music video
Olivia Newton John – Let’s Get Physical (Go to YouTube to watch - 1982)

My vote is good ol' Newton John doing her gay pumping routine in this classic. I think the lyrics (and my list) say it all:

Let's get animal, animal, I wanna get animal, let's get into animal, Let me hear your body talk, Your body talk, let me hear your body talk.

Pastel speedos
Bulges
Oiled muscles
Feathered hair
High-cut leotards
Aussie headbands
Aerobic crotch shots
Sweat
Copious gayness

Trifecta of political hotties?

If Obama makes it all the way, I’m gonna say it’ll be a trifecta of decent looking world leaders for a change (at least in France, Russia and the States). I’d throw in Zapatero, but I think he’s too cartoonish looking. Medvedev, not bad for a Russian dude, plus his wife, Zvetlana, has got some big bogonzos on her – I’d guess a 40 DD. She’s got that Ruski nouveau riche look that’s so popular over there today. Obviously, Sarkozy has got the hottest wife hands down. Good ol’ Carla Bruni. She certainly stirs the socially elite circle tabloids, n’est pas? And Michelle’s not bad herself. So, I see a bit more fashion hipness approaching the political fore. And god knows it needs a facelift (remember Babs Bush – need I say more??).

My writing group posse and I are starting a t-shirt business. This has been in the works for some time, but we’re always looking for new ideas. If you have any, send them this way and we’ll consider. Here’s our start:

Boo Excellence!
Bring back abortions
Librarianship - it's really just fancy filing
Deus Ex Machina - The Literary Jihad
It's been a long time since you heard about monkey pox... too long.
Phyllis Christensen is a stupid whore! Pass it on.

Spring Trends

What’s in:

1) Coffin chic
2) Synthetically speaking – polyester (100%)
3) Good friends
4) Emerging infectious diseases
5) Beach worthy chic gems
6) Eco inspired accessories
7) Integrity
8) Ellen Page
9) Delicate ombres
10) The wedge, strappy sandal
11) LGBTGIFQIA or PODSOI
12) Wide fishnet stockings
13) Respect
14) Viking chic

What’s out:

1) Excellence – all shapes, forms and sizes
2) The Grecian sandal
3) The appearance of being interested
4) Smoking – not again!
5) Padded bras
6) Mendaciousness
7) Hairless pussy
8) Hairless animals
9) Politics
10) Firm tofu
11) Ebola
12) Reruns of Welcome Back Kotter
13) Distress
14) Gauze skirts that smell like Patchouli