Things that make me laugh

“Assistance needed in ropes and twines” said over the intercom system at Fleet Farm

“Would you like the parmesan coated chicken with your Indonesian Peanut Noodle Saute?” said by the cashier at Noodles & Company. What?

Anything Johnny Depth says

Anything Laurbean says

Anything PSM says

M-Zingers

The following song lyrics:
- wash yo’ butt (Public Enemy)
- yo’ mamma got gold nipples (Public Enemy)
- Ya mo be there (Michael McDonald)

That piece of imaginary fuzz I thought I had on the side of my nose for about 6 months in 1991

That picture of C dressed as a “Woody Allenesque” flower girl in the late 1960s

Most Woody Allen movies

Napoleon Dynamite

Stupid questions at the reference desk, including, but not limited to:
- “Would you read my poem on alcoholic poisoning and see if you think it depicts who I am?”
- “Do you have any books on men who love women too much?” asked by the Drooler on a consistent basis in 2005.

The longer version:
- “Do you think my professor will accept this as a source for my paper?” – student
- “It depends. What does your assignment say?” – me
- “I don’t have it with me.” – student
- “What class is it?” – me
- “An English class” – student
- “What English class?” – me
- “I’m not sure” – student
- “Who’s your professor?” – me
- “I’m not sure “ – student
- “Male or female professor?” - me
- “uh, (nervous giggle) hmm…” – student
- “yeah, he or she will accept any source.” – me in sarcastic and annoyed tone of voice

Almost taking off my pants in my office to pee

That naked old guy from sailing last year

The dog sitting story with Charlie, skunks and stewed tomatoes

Anything by David Sedaris

Almost anything by Augusten Burroughs

Wendy’s 1970s weight watcher cards

The beet colored JC Penney mail order bridesmaid dress I had to wear for my cousin’s wedding in the 1980s (with a hat and lace gloves)

The ghetto made “string pulley” system my mom rigged up for the broken windshield wipers on the old avocado green station wagon

My parents driving L and I to the Ashford & Simpson concert at the Auditorium Theater in the green station wagon (see above)

Tim taking orders and serving food and coffee at Melvin’s in Chicago – he didn’t work there.

What I did this week

- Settled annoying jigsaw puzzle of job shuffling duties in Library
- Perv #1 tried to say hi to me three times – I ignored him each time
- Ate 5-7 pounds of gummi bears and Swedish fish due to upcoming PMS
- Unsuccessfully tried to teach 8-year-olds rond de jambe turns in ballet class – disaster
- Rolled my eyes for a total of 13 times
- Somehow fooled a business prof into believing I was a conservative
- Washed dirty gross sheets from Heart Attack Guy’s room
- Ran into what seemed like 25 people in the grocery store. I had about 5 items to purchase, and it took me 3 hours. Dreamed of living in Chicago again where I never ran into people I knew at the grocery store.
- Overdosed on Public Enemy
- Heard about dog boners
- Read, re-read, and re-re-read David Sedaris’ “The Way We Are.” LOL every time. Favorite quotes:
“Women. They'll suck the fucking paper off a joint, but when old Papa Bear needs a little b.j. action they've always got a sore throat.”
“I got preëngaged one time, but David here hasn't never come close, his being a faggot and all.”
Little Mike laughed, and then he looked at me. "For real?" he said. "Is Bromine telling me the truth?"
"Oh, he's all up inside that shit," Paul said. "Has hisself a cocksucker - I mean a boyfriend - and everything."
- Went to hear “ICS,” but no Purple Rain or Beat It! was played - despite our audience cries.
- Multislacked on Friday afternoon at work. Stacked 15 small Swedish fish on top of each other and smooshed them into a giant “big mac” style sandwich. Ate creation. Felt completely nauseous afterward. Realized I have an addiction to gummi-type candies.
- Volunteered (yet fucking again) as an usher for community theater production on Friday night. Listened to a bunch of old ladies complain about their dying husbands and friends. Did not help my psychological issue with the aging process. The “golden years” are the “rusty years” as one lady put it. Good fucking grief.
- Attended long 3-hour arts meeting on Saturday morning and dreamed about coffee the whole time.
- Was super pissy and crabby on Saturday afternoon due to not wanting turkey sandwiches for lunch at home and pending PMS. In response, I “threw” silverware around the kitchen sink and was perfunctory in my responses to all questions asked by the German. The German then squeezed me super hard and said, "I love you, too."
- Attended “Team America” viewing at D & O/N’s house. I had been tricked into thinking these were marionettes, but they looked more like characters from the movie “Chucky.” Lots of LOL, but I was mortified by the puking scene. I had to close my eyes the entire time. Also, I realized I have a pair of glasses that suspiciously look like Kim Jong II. Sex scene really didn’t freak me out (except for poopy “hot lunch” scene. I just don’t like poop period). I think I was more jealous of the stamina these two had in one night. Plus, I would have thought the golden shower in the open eyes would have burned, but it didn’t seem to bother her.
- Dreamed of being a marionette doll.