Dance of the seven dollar

It’s no dance I’ve ever heard of, but it was a funny phrase said by D at Fred & Ginger’s chili party last night. I don’t remember the context, but it doesn’t really matter ‘cause it’s still funny. I think it had something to do with grand plies’ in second position and stuffing dollars in peoples pants. Or maybe it had to do with “quail tarding” someone’s wife? Hmm. Or maybe it was Bush going on “the Google” to search for Uranus. Hard to say. Despite a couple of short-term gas leaks from certain gassy guests that required a quick evacuation from the kitchen for some fresh air, the party was super fun! There were loads of gummi worms, fancy carved pumpkins, cakes, backbends, lots of chili-eatin’, squirrel books, and drinking (of course). One of the highlights of the night was belting out the catchy tunes from the 1970/80s TV sitcoms. But that fucking “Facts of Life” tune is now soldered in my brain. All day it keeps running through my head despite trying to tune it out with other music, TV and a meat tenderizer. But to no avail. It’s still there – hangin’ on for dear life - and it’s PISSING ME OFF!!! I shouldn’t have to suffer alone, so I think I’ll torture the rest of you:

"You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both and there you have the facts of life
The facts of life.

There's a time you gotta go and show
You're growin' now,
You know about the facts of life.
The facts of life.

When the world never seems,
To be living up to your dreams.
And suddenly you're finding out,
The facts of life are all about you.
All about you.
You-u-u-u,
A-ll about you.
It takes a lot to get em right,
But you're learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of li-fe."

I'm taking suggestions for my blog - sort of like a readers satisfaction survey. Is there anything you wish I would include that I'm not? Do you want more fashion? Sass? Pussy references? What can I do to make this blog better? Let me know, 'cause I want to make you - the reader - happy.

Masturbation He Wrote

Gay marriage ... people need to go one way or the other. I’m thinking about writing some type of letter to the editor/opinion piece on the whole amendment issue. I mean if you're going to allow marriage and its benefits, you need to let anyone marry whoever the hell they want. If you want to ban marriage, then ban all marriage. Think of all the potentially great TV shows we could have with gay marriage? Gay Divorce Court, the Gay Wedding Channel, Masturbation He Wrote starring Mark Foley (alright that has nothing to do with marriage, but I had to throw it in), My Two Dads (hmmm... actually that was a show). Alright, maybe things won't change that much ... which is exactly my point. People are idiots. “Marriage is sacred?” Who the hell came up with that? Please! Check the latest census stats on marriage – sacred my ass. People are nutballs.

Disco Cures Cancer was pretty fun this year, but it was held in a bowling “center” (yes – a center, not an alley). This bowling center had low ceilings and a portable dance floor that had bubbles in it, so that wasn’t too cool. I missed the place they held it in for the last few years. Anyway, I wound up wearing my “True Disco” ensemble (the Pancake House Waitress ensemble was voted down), which consisted of a gold lame tunic top, black flared jazz pants, black patent leather open toe platforms, faux-fur rimmed denim patch work car-coat, fake long ponytail, and Elton John sunglasses. My outfit turned out to be pretty okay. We all had a groovy time and exchanged the latest dirty lingo. I learned the term “sharted,” which is a fart with poop spray, and I taught them the term “clitty litter.” The next morning we all went for pancakes at the Log Cabin and loaded up on lots of coffee.

I’d like to take an online poll about Phase I of my tenure party festivities (the tenure parties will last approximately a year, so I have to spread out the fun. If for some reason I’m denied tenure, I will hopefully be working at the Dairy Queen, which means we will be limited to a Brazier/Blizzard party, but that could still be fun!).

Please cast your vote for party place/activity in the comment section. This party will probably happen in early to mid December. If you have another suggestion not listed, let me know:

1. Our house – cocktails/appetizer stuff
2. Our “local hangout” – I will buy booze and food
3. Some other bar in town that possibly has karaoke
4. The dance studio – I could bring in booze and food and we could all have a dance party (assuming this is okay with the owner, which I’m sure she’d be fine with)
5. Other

Do you know you have peas sitting here?

The German and I just went “dumpster diving” (really it was curb picking) in our neighbor’s yard. She’s dead, so I didn’t think she’d mind too much. We found some old aluminum cans, mostly nuts, that were kinda cool. Not sure what I’ll do with them, but at least I can tell people that I own a lot of “nutty canisters.” I bet if I looked in the Encyclopedia of Associations, I would undoubtedly find a reference to “The Association of Antique Nut Canister Collectors.” God, I love that book! Super fascinating. There’s a lot of weird shit out there.

The German is also tickled with his latest acquisition – 16mm film projectors. Yes, plural. Three actually. And about 100 films to go with it. Tonight he watched “The Eye of the Beholder.” The other night was “Voice Physiology.” The voiceover in all of these films is the same guy that did every film back in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, and it’s frickin’ weird. I wonder if they auditioned people for it? Remember when they would change the voice of a cartoon character – like Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble or George Jetson? I hated when they did that.

Here’s a list of things I dislike:

Nose picking
Sawdust-like-consistency tomatoes
Farting
Jackie Mason
Gory movies (this includes blood, puking, poking eyes out and stuff like that)
Gelatinous meats
Niagara Falls
Staircase haircuts with frosted streaks
Garanimal type coordinated outfits
Orthopedic shoes (when you’re not orthopedic)
Mary Jane Candies
Marilou Henner
Herring
Country music
Country décor
Any type of salad that has the word “surprise” in the title
Patricia Wexler’s Lip Pump Up Injector
Fake boobs
Fake tans
Know-it-alls
Venison or squirrel stew

Daddy Don't Live In That New York City No More

I just got back from NYC and my trip was too good. It was essentially perfect. I wanted to move there instantly. To refrain from this desire I had to think – hard – what it would be like living there on a day to day basis at my age and income. It would be very nice if we could all live parallel lives. This would resolve my urban and rural desires. My fascination with NYC is full of clichés, so I won’t bore you with them, but I will bore you with one, and that is that life in New York is like the world walking in front of your face 24/7. I wonder if my excitement about the city when I was studying ballet there when I was younger just lingers every time I go there - like some sensory memory or something.

Here is a diary/reporter type list of the things I did and saw:

The puddle jumper plane from here to Milwaukee on the stormy Wednesday 6 a.m. flight was uber nauseating, but I didn’t puke, so that was good. Midwest Airlines does have nice comfy leather reclining seats.

The first night I stayed at P & J’s apartment on the Upper West Side. They are very good friends of my family since I was a teenager. P & Js daughter also studied ballet way back when, although she’s a few years younger. P was also a librarian (now retired), around my mom’s age, and J was a professor at U of C and is now at Harvard (he’s on sabbatical in NY this year teaching at Columbia).

This apartment was frickin’ unbelievable – it’s a triplex with a spectacular view, terrace and gigantic ceilings that practically knocked me over I was so wowed.

During the afternoon, P fed me a very nice lunch and then we walked around the neighborhood and came back to drink wine on the terrace. I was ready to offer my services right then and there as a live-in maid (sorry Stinker and German).

That night, we went to Fiorelli’s for appetizers and wine (across from Lincoln Center), and then we went to the NY Film Festival at Alice Tulley Hall to see Reds, which starred Warren Beatty and Diane Keaton (released in 1981). A & J (A is the daughter of P&J, J is her husband) met us at the theater. I dare say Reds may have been the best movie I’ve ever seen. If you’ve not seen the film, it is a lifetime must. Warren Beatty was there and did a Q&A after the film, which was quite interesting. He’s much more than just his Shampoo and Dick Tracy persona. I never thought he was very interesting, but that movie completely changed my image of him. New York crowds actually know what applause means, not like the lame audiences you see here in the Midwest – pathetic.

After the movie, we went back to P&J’s apartment for oxtail soup, cheese and wine, and chatted it up until 2 in the morning.

The next day, P and I went for an hour walk through Central Park. The weather was glorious, and it was great to be outside enjoying the Park.

After the Park, we went back to the apartment and then got ready to meet J at the Harvard Club because he was meeting with someone there. This was quite a regal place in all its masculine glory. We all had a drink at the bar and then went for lunch at a nearby restaurant, which was uber yummy. For you foodies, I had a great roasted yellow beet, fennel and grilled goat cheese salad with a walnut vinaigrette. Delicious!

After lunch, we all hopped into a cab to get to the Americas Society where J had an afternoon meeting. P wanted to show me the building because it had some interesting art work. While there, J introduced me to David Rockefeller who was chairing the meeting. I also met Mrs. Pillsbury. It was the Hollywood of academia and old money. Luckily, I was dressed appropriately, and this was a case where I was rather shy (hard for some of you to believe I’m sure).

P and I then strolled down Madison Avenue and window shopped. We did indulge ourselves and stopped at the Missoni store to drool over the fabulous sweaters, coats and scarves. The least expensive thing I came across was $345 and that was a bargain. It was a scarf.

We got back to the apartment and I packed up my things to head over to the Chelsea Savoy, the hotel near my conference (thanks to N for the recommendation). I love the Chelsea area because it’s like a hipper version of Boys Town in Chicago. I was, however, sad to leave the super swank apartment and go to the dumpy Chelsea, but it was actually quite nice and a dynamite location.

After I checked in, I walked around to check out the neighborhood and stopped at a Thai place for dinner. It was very good and cheap, so I was happy. I also stopped at the bookstore to get John Reed’s book, “Ten days that Shook the World,” and an US Magazine. I wandered back to the hotel and went to bed early because I was very tired and had to get up early.

The Foundation Center, which is where the conference was held, was right on Fifth and 15th. Yet, another great location. The morning walk was nice and there were a gazillion great coffee/croissant places (not Starbucks believe it or not), so I enjoyed my favorite elixir before heading to the conference.

I knew a few people that were attending the conference, including the guy who was running the whole thing because we both graduated together from Madison in ’97. He was great and is a very good in front of a crowd. The sessions were actually pretty interesting, and I learned quite a bit and realized how much I have not been doing with the Foundation Collection at our place. But there’s only so much one can do when you have multiple responsibilities at work.

For lunch, a group of us went to a Cuban restaurant and it was fantastic! I actually had the standard Cuban sandwich with sweet potato fries, but some others were a bit more exotic. It was scrumptious and a fun atmosphere and the librarians loved it. For a librarian crowd that generally looks meek and uninteresting, once you tap into their psyche, most of them are quite interesting and funny (despite some sad clothing).

The afternoon sessions were also good and the networking was worth the trip on its own. I felt like I was ready to write grants for people for millions of dollars and that everyone would get one! At least I have a better grasp of some good resources, even for faculty looking for research grants, so I’m happy about that.

That evening we went to the Morgan Library for a private tour. This place was phenomenal and the rare books and manuscripts practically took my breath away. I saw Oscar Wilde’s notebooks, the first edition of Jane Austen’s Emma with her scribbles noted in the margins, Walt Whitman’s poetry notebook and one of the copies of the Gutenberg Bible. J.P. Morgan’s library and study were quite remarkable. They had a special exhibit on Bob Dylan, but I can’t stand him so I didn’t go to that (sorry people).

After the tour, a group of 8 went to a traditional Korean Barbeque for dinner. It was quite fun and more exotic than the typical Korean barbecue. I had some crazy casserole thing in a giant witch like stoneware pot that was flaming hot. It was delicious! The place was packed and pretty reasonable. A couple of people went out afterward, but I was too tired and went back to the hotel.

The next day it was back to the conference from 8 – 3, so the usual session stuff. There were a lot of cracks about that goofball Matthew Lesko, so we had some good laughs.

After the conference, which was the last day, I went shopping. I bought a couple of things – another pair of boots (god help me), a sweater and some books, but nothing super extravagant. It was fun looking around, but the crowd to get into the dressing rooms of some of the stores was a big turnoff.

That night, I met my “cousin” B and her husband, T. B is not officially my cousin, but she is my cousin’s cousin and we’ve known each other since we were kids, so I call her my cousin anyway. They met me at the hotel and we took a cab to the Village and went to a really great Ethiopian restaurant. I love the spongy bread like matter that you scoop all the goodies with. It’s so cave like. Anyway, it was really good food and good conversation. God those Ethiopian women are frickin' beautiful. You really want to shoot yourself after you see one because they are drop dead gorgeuous and make the rest of us look like blobby white potato sacks. B has left the horrible publishing world and is now an academic advisor at NYU. T is finishing up his dissertation at CUNY on Jamaican music. We kibitzed about our goofy Aunt M and the rest of the family. I just hope I didn’t say anything that will get leaked back to Aunt M because it will end up in her Christmas newsletter and that would be tragic!!!!!!

After dinner we went to the V bar on Bleeker and 3rd for a nightcap. A nice small dark and fairly subdued bar, which made for a perfect end to a perfect day.

I got home around midnight and sadly packed up my things to head home the next day. My flights back were perfect without any hitches and the weather was beautiful.

So, that wraps up my five days in NYC. It was quite grand and I can’t wait to go back next year for the same conference. I hope L can get away and go with me. It reminded me of the time we stayed at the Hotel Chelsea back in the late 80s or early 90s when we went to Nells, saw Prince eat fries with black leather gloves, went to Parachute, laughed at the moisturized Papaya chicken places, danced and got drunk the entire week. Fun fun fun.

Now how can I live this parallel life?