Brits-Butts-A-Natta-Licious

Oh yeah, it’s happening again. Writer’s block! Here I tried to write up a little something for my writer’s group about tween poshness, and it turned into a jigsaw puzzle of plagiarized borrowed phrases from my favorite fashion magazines – W and Vogue (and some Wolcott from VF thrown in for good measure). Blah!!!!! HELP!!!!

Aside from almost dissolving into tears of boredom from two EXTREMELY long meetings today, and losing sleep due to my cold and my dog all of the sudden turning into “Jack Torrance” in the middle of the night, I’m still managing to keep an even keeled crabby mood for a good ten hours plus and running. Good for me!

I called to make an appointment today for some cholesterol lab work, and they told me that I had to fast for 12 hours, avoid exercise for 3 days, and not chew gum for 8 hours prior to the appointment. Who came up with this wacked out study that determined gum chewing, exercising and eating at integrated hours was bad for a blood test? Give me a break! I may just chew up some Bubbalicious right beforehand to piss them off.

The latest names to make the reports through the social service system in Chicago? “LaTwinkle” and “Peaches n’ Cream” (yes, first name and a boy).

Yeah, I saw the Britney ass pic yesterday, and let me tell you something – not impressed! Okay, I’m not one to be talking about other people’s asses, but really people – she’s white trash inside and out!!! Who the fuck is walking around in the shortest frickin’ tarted up "Elly May Clampett" black tight-ass smock dress with your gelatinous ass cheeks flashing the whole fucking world? Who’s to blame, Britney? Paris??? Bring back the 2000 Britney, Britney! That’s the Britney some strange people would like to remember (even though she was a whorey nothing-at-all white talentless trash back then, too. See? I told you I was crabby).

Today, I was totally dressed up for work – like overkill. Why? Too lazy to iron or wash anything . Sad. Yes, I strutted my red suede skirt I bought in NYC in 2001, my cool punk rock black moon boots from Giardon in Chicago, my Eileen Fisher black sweater and short cardigan (not a huge fan of Gunney Sac Eileen wear, but sometimes you just gotta go with the flow). All this for a crabby mood and boring meetings. Isn’t that a fashion tragedy?

Hmmm. Predictable headlines for the paper tomorrow?

The US: Turning a bad situation into another bad situation.

Iraq? We’ll free you from your dictator and instead bring you civil war!

Africa? We’ll cure your hunger until you all become fat and die early of heart disease! Just like us!

Cogito ergo sum caffeine

Last weekend I felt really lousy. I took six hour naps and could barely spit out audible sentences. Monday was really bad. I had a horrendous headache, and during an appointment with a student I could only point to the computer screen trying to explain what I was doing while I stuttered for words. I figured this was all a reaction to the shots and thought I should probably call the doctor. When I got home that night, however, the evidence of my mental deterioration was staring me right in the face - an empty bag of decaffeinated coffee spotted in the trash! I realized the German had been making decaf in the mornings and I was suffering the consequences. He’s not particularly alert in the a.m., so I determined he misread the label. But I was pretty irritated. I lost a good three days from this fiasco, and what I found most disturbing was the discovery that my entire being - nature, character, soul, “intellect,” emotion, humor - is 95% caffeine. I don’t remember learning about this in school. I thought my body was largely made up of water? It was a gruesome discovery.

I’m thinking abut taking an ad out in the papers supporting the deers. During hunting season (I can’t believe I’m actually using this local yokel phrase), you see ads in the paper wishing the hunters good luck. What? They don’t fucking need luck – the fucking deer need the luck, man!! They’re all like, “Get a bulls eye and bring home the big buck!” “Good luck hunters!" "Be Safe!" "Snag the big one!” Frickin’ idiots. My ad will read “Calling all Bambis – run for your fucking lives!!!!!!” or “Beware of camo-covered drunk lard asses with guns! Charge the mother fuckers!!!!” Idiots.

I’m thinking about hiring a stylist. You know with my new tenure and all. I’d like to have a person on hand to help me out. On the stylecareer.com site, this is how they define the stylist profession:

“A stylist is an expert who uses art and science to make people and objects look good in order to make a statement. A lesser known fact is that a stylist also works with objects, such as, apparel, interior, exterior, merchandise, tabletop, food, furniture and landscape.”

I’m not sure what “interior” and “exterior” they refer to (i.e., my body work or house body work?), nor do I understand “tabletop,” but I think a stylist would suit me quite well. Actually, this puts a spin on my ad. Maybe it would read something like this:

“Seeking a creative deer/squirrel/bunny-loving fun stylist who uses art and science to make people and objects look good. Urban resident who subscribes to Vogue and W preferred. Deer hunters need not apply.”

Gimme a shot of Typhoid Fever please

I went to the doctor today for a pap smear, right boob exam and a hepatitis shot. No, I don’t have hepatitis, but I have to get a series of vaccinations for my trip to China and Tibet in May.

Strangely, I had to fill out a questionnaire again as if I were a new patient. Some of the questions I find very peculiar because they are circumstantial. For example, they ask if you are sexually active. I don’t know how they define active. Do they mean active as in having it period or active as in several times a week? Then there was a question, “Are you sexually satisfied?” Uh, is this Match.com? Then there are the horrific pregnancy and how many partners have you had questions. I usually leave those blank and then if the nurse asks I just say, “Oh, I must have missed those.” It’s hard to tell a nurse with a saccharine smile and hard-curled hair who’s wearing a 2 x 4-sized gold cross necklace that you’ve had [an] abortion(s) and that you’re not quite sure how many sex partners you’ve had in your lifetime (does this include relationships or just one night stands? See, I need clarification). Either way, she thinks you’re a big fat whore - even if she smiles at you.

Anyway, I was told today that I need several shots for China and that they have to be administered at certain times. I need three series of Hepatitis A & B shots, Typhoid Fever, Influenza Virus #714, MMR, and a Tetanus booster. I was hoping to have the shots spread out over time, but my doctor said it’s best to start with them today, which would be 5!!!!! Frickin’ 5!!!! I never get flu shots, and I’m not big into putting anything other than food, coffee, liquor and sperm in my body. Other foreign substances just don’t agree with me. Despite my subtle suggestion of just administering one shot today, she disagreed and said, “Let’s just get it over with. Besides, you’ll still have a number to go before your trip.” Yuck. So, I got the whole shebang – Hepatitis A & B, Typhoid, Flu, Tetanus and MMR boosters. I’m sure it’s all psychological, but I feel crappy, and I can’t move my arms above my hips. I look like a retard (Mary Catherine Gallagher). I’m even sitting on books as I type this entry. Luckily, I didn’t need a pap and my right boob cyst is still the same size. That was the only plus of the appointment.

I just got my new “W” today. I’ll read it over tonight and slather you all with the latest fashion trends. There is, surprisingly, a new fashion section called “Tot & Teen Fashionistas” – I kid you not! Good grief. They may have gone too far. I do, however, wish my name was Muffie Astor. It’s so Fifth Avenue preppy. I’m sure it would garner quick reservations at chic restaurants. Oh yeah, there are no chic restaurants were I live. How quickly we forget (but I can still live in an imaginary chic world).

Politics and applied reasoning?

Elections... hmmm... well, I guess it was a good day if you're a democrat, a confusing day if you're interested in politics, a sad day if you're a human being, and an embarrassing day if you're a Wisconsinite, or any of the other idiotic states that had the marriage amendment on the ballot. Death penalty, civil unions, English as an official language? Ugh. At least the people in Arizona are smarter than we may have thought. And then to top it off, idiot Todd Stroger, Jr. won the Cook County race in Illinois. Good grief! That jackass can’t even string two sentences together. He must have gone to the “Flunky Chicago Mayor Eugene 'Mumbler' Sawyer’s School of Rhetoric.”

Frankly (there's that damn word again), I'm tired of it being about Democrat or Republican. Whatever happened to logic, applied reason and fact to solve issues? So many people blame the politicians themselves for the problems in our political system, which is certainly a big part of it, but I think the other big problem is the voters. You have politicians on one side perpetually trying to solidify as much control as possible and then you have ignorant people in the electorate who want to legislate personal opinion and preferences. I really don't know. Johnny Depp got it right. Buy an island in France and stay there.

On personal news, I turned in the “big” 200-page file today. Thank god that’s over. I almost don’t know what to do with myself now. I’m sure I’ll think of something. I think I’ll take up more drinking.

Bud Sommerville - First American Curling Inductee

“The World Almanac is probably the most fun of all the reference books. At least every team has to have a collection of them.”
Quote: Barry from team Network – “Trivia Town: A Little Movie about the World’s Biggest Trivia Contest”

This is a line from the just released (not yet distributed) “Trivia Town” movie. A great little local culture flick about the annual Trivia contest held in Stevens Point, WI. Click on the trailer from the link below to get a snapshot of the madness:
http://www.triviatownmovie.com/

I’m STILL (yes, still) in the process of putting my little “what have you been doing for the last seven years?” file together in hopes of the ultimate “stamp of approval” job-security-for-life-unless-you-murder/rape-someone. It’s a super hassle, and I struggle with avoiding the “scrap booking” file syndrome, while also trying to incorporate my own little “librarian documentation style.” I find academic documentation to be aesthetically as boring as early 1970s cardboard. It has no zip, but it’s a culture that does not appreciate “eye zip” because it’s then considered to not “look” serious or academic. It’s troubling. The business world is leaps and bounds ahead of us in terms of presentation and documentation style looks, but I fear that the staid academic style will be with us for years to come.

I was tortured - yet again - by the “Facts of Life” today by this little number that my friend, PSM, sent to me:

Facts of Life Torture Site It is never ending agony.

Well, the countdown starts tonight: I have 129 hours before “big file” is due, and I still have lots to work on. Wish me luck and please send me good vibes and comments! I promise many parties (big and small) when this is all over.