Cogito ergo sum caffeine

Last weekend I felt really lousy. I took six hour naps and could barely spit out audible sentences. Monday was really bad. I had a horrendous headache, and during an appointment with a student I could only point to the computer screen trying to explain what I was doing while I stuttered for words. I figured this was all a reaction to the shots and thought I should probably call the doctor. When I got home that night, however, the evidence of my mental deterioration was staring me right in the face - an empty bag of decaffeinated coffee spotted in the trash! I realized the German had been making decaf in the mornings and I was suffering the consequences. He’s not particularly alert in the a.m., so I determined he misread the label. But I was pretty irritated. I lost a good three days from this fiasco, and what I found most disturbing was the discovery that my entire being - nature, character, soul, “intellect,” emotion, humor - is 95% caffeine. I don’t remember learning about this in school. I thought my body was largely made up of water? It was a gruesome discovery.

I’m thinking abut taking an ad out in the papers supporting the deers. During hunting season (I can’t believe I’m actually using this local yokel phrase), you see ads in the paper wishing the hunters good luck. What? They don’t fucking need luck – the fucking deer need the luck, man!! They’re all like, “Get a bulls eye and bring home the big buck!” “Good luck hunters!" "Be Safe!" "Snag the big one!” Frickin’ idiots. My ad will read “Calling all Bambis – run for your fucking lives!!!!!!” or “Beware of camo-covered drunk lard asses with guns! Charge the mother fuckers!!!!” Idiots.

I’m thinking about hiring a stylist. You know with my new tenure and all. I’d like to have a person on hand to help me out. On the stylecareer.com site, this is how they define the stylist profession:

“A stylist is an expert who uses art and science to make people and objects look good in order to make a statement. A lesser known fact is that a stylist also works with objects, such as, apparel, interior, exterior, merchandise, tabletop, food, furniture and landscape.”

I’m not sure what “interior” and “exterior” they refer to (i.e., my body work or house body work?), nor do I understand “tabletop,” but I think a stylist would suit me quite well. Actually, this puts a spin on my ad. Maybe it would read something like this:

“Seeking a creative deer/squirrel/bunny-loving fun stylist who uses art and science to make people and objects look good. Urban resident who subscribes to Vogue and W preferred. Deer hunters need not apply.”