Gimme a shot of Typhoid Fever please

I went to the doctor today for a pap smear, right boob exam and a hepatitis shot. No, I don’t have hepatitis, but I have to get a series of vaccinations for my trip to China and Tibet in May.

Strangely, I had to fill out a questionnaire again as if I were a new patient. Some of the questions I find very peculiar because they are circumstantial. For example, they ask if you are sexually active. I don’t know how they define active. Do they mean active as in having it period or active as in several times a week? Then there was a question, “Are you sexually satisfied?” Uh, is this Match.com? Then there are the horrific pregnancy and how many partners have you had questions. I usually leave those blank and then if the nurse asks I just say, “Oh, I must have missed those.” It’s hard to tell a nurse with a saccharine smile and hard-curled hair who’s wearing a 2 x 4-sized gold cross necklace that you’ve had [an] abortion(s) and that you’re not quite sure how many sex partners you’ve had in your lifetime (does this include relationships or just one night stands? See, I need clarification). Either way, she thinks you’re a big fat whore - even if she smiles at you.

Anyway, I was told today that I need several shots for China and that they have to be administered at certain times. I need three series of Hepatitis A & B shots, Typhoid Fever, Influenza Virus #714, MMR, and a Tetanus booster. I was hoping to have the shots spread out over time, but my doctor said it’s best to start with them today, which would be 5!!!!! Frickin’ 5!!!! I never get flu shots, and I’m not big into putting anything other than food, coffee, liquor and sperm in my body. Other foreign substances just don’t agree with me. Despite my subtle suggestion of just administering one shot today, she disagreed and said, “Let’s just get it over with. Besides, you’ll still have a number to go before your trip.” Yuck. So, I got the whole shebang – Hepatitis A & B, Typhoid, Flu, Tetanus and MMR boosters. I’m sure it’s all psychological, but I feel crappy, and I can’t move my arms above my hips. I look like a retard (Mary Catherine Gallagher). I’m even sitting on books as I type this entry. Luckily, I didn’t need a pap and my right boob cyst is still the same size. That was the only plus of the appointment.

I just got my new “W” today. I’ll read it over tonight and slather you all with the latest fashion trends. There is, surprisingly, a new fashion section called “Tot & Teen Fashionistas” – I kid you not! Good grief. They may have gone too far. I do, however, wish my name was Muffie Astor. It’s so Fifth Avenue preppy. I’m sure it would garner quick reservations at chic restaurants. Oh yeah, there are no chic restaurants were I live. How quickly we forget (but I can still live in an imaginary chic world).