Snow mice and cellophane

- Don’t be stupid and go Christmas and grocery shopping when there is a blizzard.
- Don’t assume the wrapping paper you thought was silver actually is silver and not the deceiving “clear cellophane wrap.” This doesn’t work well for presents (as I’ve just discovered).
- Don’t think you won’t run into people you know at the stores just because there is a blizzard. You will.
- Don’t think one sausage is enough for snacks. You need two.
- Don’t try to be cool and keep your pants zipped when you really want to unzip them to let the uncomfortable cookie and sausage overeating ooze out.
- Don’t assume you have the right number of gifts for people. Double check, and then feel shleppy the night before Christmas Eve when you realize you still need to go out in the morning to pick up a couple of things.
- Don’t think you won’t see a mouse trying to cross four lanes of traffic during a blizzard. And, yes, it managed to get to the other side.
- Don’t think your blog won't end up on a Chinese cock ring site because it will.
- Don’t think a funny looking snowsuit is a fashion faux pas in a blizzard 'cause it ain't!

Dear Santa

What do I want for Christmas this year?? World peace and respect for all humanity.

Ha! Here’s what I really want:

1) Sweet Cookie Doll
2) Make and Show Slides
3) Crazy Foam
4) Operation
5) Snap …

Wait a second!! That’s my list from ’73. Okay, here’s what I want THIS YEAR:

1) A Gas Mart plastic mug from Fleet Farm that says “Gas Mart” on it (it’s free if you fill up and buy a 12 oz coffee).
2) A hot dog roller ballpark machine from the Heartland catalog - $29.99. Also warms up “your buns.”
3) That gum that Elise told me about in ballet class last week. All the kids are chewing it these days (forgot the name).
4) That Angie Dickinson (“Pepper”) doll I saw on EBay - circa 1976 from the Academy Awards. Super sexy slutty dress. Nice addition to kitschy doll collection (she dated Johnny Carson for awhile; I bet you didn’t know that).
5) A frickin’ published “Granny Has Curls” piece somewhere – anywhere. (please). What happened Banyan Review people??????????? Where are you????????????
6) U.S. citizenship for mumsy, who was told by INS and Homeland Security that she's not a citizen, so no passport :-(
7) A stapler that actually WORKS when I hold it, have it on the desk, or in any stapler ready direction. I’m so tired of idiotic staplers at home, work, everywhere. Man alive! Plus, I bet I witness more people stapling every day at the reference desk than most of the world put together. (this gift was just given to me!!! I'm super excited, and I can't wait until I have to staple stuff again!!!!! Thanks, AS!!!!)
8) More blog comments
9) A 5.5 oval camouflage crock pot from Fleet Farm (on sale right now for $28.99. Includes travel case).
10) A gift certificate for “Gas Mart” to take advantage of their Daily Rollergrill $1.99 Specials: 2 corndogs & a 16 oz soda (Mondays), 2 tornados & a 16 oz soda (Tuesdays), 2 cheddarwurst & a 16 oz soda (Wednesdays), 2 egg rolls & a 16 oz soda (Thursdays), 2 bratwursts and a 16 oz soda (Fridays).
11) 2 Live Crew, As Nasty As They Wanna Be, CD (with hit title, "Me So Horny").
12) Crazy foam (that stuff was fun back then and it’s still fun today!!!)

Best excuses

Best excuse for getting out of work:

"A bird suffering from diarrhea, brought on by food poisoning, flew into my house through the chimney, swooped into my face causing a dental emergency that I had to seek permission from my probation officer to have treated."

Thanks to Mimilicious (most fashionable librarian - ever!!) for her "best excuse" for getting out of work.

This made me think today about other "best excuses" for all kinds of stuff - like best excuse for eating a cookie, buying shoes, cleaning pee, etc.

What's your "best excuse???"