Deconstructing Shrimp Sushi & Happy New Year!

One of my favorite librarians arrived in town yesterday – the fashionable Ms. M (let’s just call her that). It was a surprise last-minute visit, and Y and I met her for dinner at the local Japanese restaurant (yes, we only have one). There are certain people you occasionally meet in life that you know when you see them it will be a guaranteed good time. Ms. M is one of those “guaranteed good time” people. And, of course, the three of us had a deliciously fabulous time – despite stormy blizzard driving weather, tragic stories about high school crushes on boys with chopstick-like legs, power outages in the restaurant and all over town, and a shrimp sushi mishap. Ms. M revealed some of her 2007 resolutions, and I thought I’d share a few of them ‘cause they’re good ones:

1) Add sunshine and happy emoticons to email communication to avoid sending the occasional feeling of malaise to her friends.
2) Start a program for “homonymaholics”
3) More “good times” (including the possibility of having a specially made gaudy ghetto nameplate necklace that says “Good Times.” Hey, Ms. M, if you get this made, order two of them. I’ll pay you back)

This made me start thinking about my resolutions for this year. In the past, I’ve always made the resolution to drink more. I believe I was trying to accomplish this for ten years, and I think this past year I finally accomplished that goal (and then some). So, here are my resolutions:

1) Climb every mountain
2) Ford every stream
3) Follow every rainbow
4) 'Til you find your dream!
5) Wait – scratch the above (damn that Sound of Music!)
6) Drink in moderation (hmmm)
7) Work on becoming a “famous” writer (ha! I can still dream though – see scratched #4 above)
8) Decide whether the unfinished afghan started last year should be completed or turned into scarf.
9) Purchase new nail polish colors
10) Lose weight (ha! The most boring popular resolution of all. Okay, while 10-15 pounds would be super groovy, I just don’t know that it’s going to happen).
11) Exercise (ha! The second most boring popular resolution of all. Another thing I don’t think is going to happen, but I really wish it would)
12) Spend more time staring out the window
13) Start planning the shape for next year’s cheese ball creation for a holiday party (this year was a penis decoupaged with sliced almonds)
14) Start thinking about what I’ll wear to the next D & O/N Halloween costume party
15) The German just read this and wants me to add “stop complaining about your looks.” Yeah, keep dreaming you verrückt Deutsche mann!
16) Keep reading other fun blogs – like poundy
17) Learn at least 5 Chinese words before big trip in May
18) Consider a new “look” because I’m bored with current look – possibly a Dolce & Gabbana version of a pilgrim?
19) Continue having good times with friends and think about ways that they will not become completely bored with me and want to stop hanging out with me
20) Visit Chicago as much as possible before parents move here officially and I cry every day knowing that my roots have been permanently moved.

Happy New Year everyone!! I love you all.

“Ready-to-not-wear” (or prêt-à-nas-porter)

Going to a holiday party this season? Here are some helpful tips:

Avoid all types of decorated holiday sweatshirts. You know the ones – bells, felt Santa appliqués, snowmen with jingle bells, snowmen with jingle bells and lights, or an entire patchwork felt Christmas or nativity appliquéd scene with bells, lights, sequins and other cheery adornments.
Note: If for any reason you’re feeling sexually aroused during the work day, find someone wearing the above. Holiday sweatshirts will turn your heat factor off instantly – a sure way to curb any sexual fantasy. The German swears by it (better than a cold shower).

Avoid all types of decorated holiday accessories. You know the ones – bell earrings, ornament earrings that play Christmas carols, reindeer headbands, reindeer headbands with bell earrings and a necklace of lights and Santa pins that sing Christmas carols.
Note: See note above.

Avoid drinking lots of spiked eggnog while eating heavy mayonnaise and sour cream based dips and then topping it off with a few final shots of Tequila at a holiday work party.
Note: Try not to puke on precariously placed poinsettia plants near atrium lobby while security guard watches you intensely.

Avoid dull-colored brown polyester/acrylic pants with an elastic waist band (that actually sit high on your waist), topped with a cheap Guatemalan made acrylic oatmeal sweater with horizontal brown and rust stripes with drab shoulder-length dried-out curling iron curled hair, bad “at-home” bang job, and a scrunchy tying up the greasy top part.
Note: Outfit witnessed at a holiday gathering at Noodles & Company – a real hunger buster.

Avoid squirrel stew at any rural holiday pot-luck gathering. Sometimes you’ll see tufts of fur while stirring the crock pot and you’ll gross out and scream and scare people.
Note: Red squirrel meat supposedly is more tender.

Avoid dieting. There’s no point during this time of year – complete waste of time and no one wants to hear it – especially at a holiday party. Instead, just gorge on every delicious Mexican wedding cake cookie, chocolates, cheese trays and everything else. Pack it in and wait until spring to start loading up on the laxatives.
Note: Chocolate ex-lax is quite tasty.

Avoid attending drag shows as a “holiday alternative party” with co-workers you normally don’t socialize with. This can be a real downer – even if people are having a good time. You don’t socialize with these people for a reason – and a drag show ain’t gonna help.
Note: Most drag queens will look better than any of your female colleagues sitting at your holiday table. It’s just a fact – accept it.