“Ready-to-not-wear” (or prêt-à-nas-porter)

Going to a holiday party this season? Here are some helpful tips:

Avoid all types of decorated holiday sweatshirts. You know the ones – bells, felt Santa appliqués, snowmen with jingle bells, snowmen with jingle bells and lights, or an entire patchwork felt Christmas or nativity appliquéd scene with bells, lights, sequins and other cheery adornments.
Note: If for any reason you’re feeling sexually aroused during the work day, find someone wearing the above. Holiday sweatshirts will turn your heat factor off instantly – a sure way to curb any sexual fantasy. The German swears by it (better than a cold shower).

Avoid all types of decorated holiday accessories. You know the ones – bell earrings, ornament earrings that play Christmas carols, reindeer headbands, reindeer headbands with bell earrings and a necklace of lights and Santa pins that sing Christmas carols.
Note: See note above.

Avoid drinking lots of spiked eggnog while eating heavy mayonnaise and sour cream based dips and then topping it off with a few final shots of Tequila at a holiday work party.
Note: Try not to puke on precariously placed poinsettia plants near atrium lobby while security guard watches you intensely.

Avoid dull-colored brown polyester/acrylic pants with an elastic waist band (that actually sit high on your waist), topped with a cheap Guatemalan made acrylic oatmeal sweater with horizontal brown and rust stripes with drab shoulder-length dried-out curling iron curled hair, bad “at-home” bang job, and a scrunchy tying up the greasy top part.
Note: Outfit witnessed at a holiday gathering at Noodles & Company – a real hunger buster.

Avoid squirrel stew at any rural holiday pot-luck gathering. Sometimes you’ll see tufts of fur while stirring the crock pot and you’ll gross out and scream and scare people.
Note: Red squirrel meat supposedly is more tender.

Avoid dieting. There’s no point during this time of year – complete waste of time and no one wants to hear it – especially at a holiday party. Instead, just gorge on every delicious Mexican wedding cake cookie, chocolates, cheese trays and everything else. Pack it in and wait until spring to start loading up on the laxatives.
Note: Chocolate ex-lax is quite tasty.

Avoid attending drag shows as a “holiday alternative party” with co-workers you normally don’t socialize with. This can be a real downer – even if people are having a good time. You don’t socialize with these people for a reason – and a drag show ain’t gonna help.
Note: Most drag queens will look better than any of your female colleagues sitting at your holiday table. It’s just a fact – accept it.