King size new and improved cheesiest blazin' wings!
Products that should never have been new & improved:
- 3 Musketeers Mint Dark Chocolate (mint with unidentifiable nougat fluff?)
- Twix white chocolate (why?)
- Twix triple chocolate (Too much chocolate)
- Twix peanut butter with chocolate cookie (LEAVE THE TWIX ALONE, fuckers)
- New Coke (?)
- Coke II (??)
- Coke Zero (???????)
- Cheesier Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (additional fake yellow powder does not make it cheesier)
- Cheesiest Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (darker yellow powder does not make it cheesiest)
- Pibb Xtra (Mr. Pibb continues to languish in obscurity at the low-rent Arby’s compared to Dr. Pepper at the upscale Taco Bell. I’m sure they’ll go back to “Mr. Pibb Classic” in a couple of years)
- Mountain Dew Game Fuel (Mountain Dew should be banned – period. I bet cars could run on this piss shit).
- New Charmin with quilting (why? Why does toilet paper need a design? The poop smear will look the same with or without quilting)
- Tampax Pearl (pearly finish?)
- Tampax Fresh (there’s nothing fresh about dried brown blood)
- Tampax Compak (these somehow shoot up your crotch never to be found again)
- Kellog’s Frosted Flakes “Drink ‘n Crunch” (drink ‘n crunch sounds like an aerobic porn video)
- Oscar Mayer’s Fast Franks in a Soft Warm Bun – Microwave in 35 seconds! (I think I’d rather eat an old hot dog that’s been sweating for hours on those curling iron rods at the gas station)
- Goldfish Flavor Blasted Blazin’ Buffalo Wings (why should certain foods taste like other foods? Isn’t that what the other food is for to begin with?)
- Colgate’s Max Fresh Blast Whitening toothpaste with whitening strips (this stuff is as toxic as Mountain Dew. I think it gave me mouth herpes)
- Trojan Xtra Vibrating Ring – Intimate vibrations for both partners (okay, this one sounds intriguing)
It’s also interesting how so many products are now made to fit car cup holders. I mean think about it: Kleenex, soup, rubbers, cereal, nuts, candy, cookies, hamburgers. Too much.
posted by BibFash at 10:34 AM
7 Comments:
Yeah, Coke has been dead to me ever since they took the cocaine out. -N
10/17/2007
Excellent excellent point, N. Bring back the cocaine!!!
10/17/2007
Do cock rings fit in car cupholders??
10/19/2007
Depends on whose cock ring probably.
So, are you saying that the new and improved movement is related to the excellence movement? How long before the products version and the academic version are indistinguishable and we start seeing ads for our university with claims like "cheesier" and "Xtra" and "now microwavable?"
10/24/2007
Also, hope today is your most nacho cheesiest birthday yet, Bibfash!
10/24/2007
As anyone w/ an asshole knows, quilted toilet paper is NOT some kind of frivolous extravagance. Floral designs, maybe, but quilting adds mucn needed leverage and increased surface area, making for a tidier, more-efficient, squeegee-like wipe. And when your diet consists of Cheesier Mac-n-Cheese and chicken-wing-flavored Goldfish, believe me, you need all the mechanical advantage you can get.
Carp of Truth
10/29/2007
Dear CoT,
Are you high? Quilting does not add "needed leverage and increased surface area, making for a tidier, more-efficient, squeegee-like wipe!" If anything, quilting just gets stuck and smeary and creates more of a mess. I say stick to the more environmentally friendly Scott tissue or Green Forest without all the added accoutrements. We may need to embark on a quilted vs. non-quilted tissue faceoff. It could get messy.
10/29/2007
Post a Comment
<< Home