Getting extra hand action

I did it. I bought the 1974 Ponch C.H.I.P.S. Eric Estrada action figure doll. He’s naked and has black hands. Kinda weird, but he’s still cool. I also put a bid on a menagerie of dolls from the 70s and 80s (including doll heads and arms – even Cheryl Tiegs' head!). The German is worried I’m going to turn into an Ebay addict. Luckily, there is an online quiz to see if you’re addicted to online auctions. Here’s a sampling of questions:

1. Have you made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop online bidding?
2. Do you use auction houses as a way of escaping from problems or relieve feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression?
3. Have you jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of online bidding?
4. Have you committed illegal acts such as forgery, fraud, theft, or embezzlement to finance online activities?

All I have to do is review the quiz and if I answer "yes" to any of the above questions, then it says I may be addicted to online auction houses. It also says these are signs that I may have lost control, lied, or possibly stole money just to support my bidding behavior. They do offer online counseling or I can purchase (online) an array of books or tapes on Internet addiction. Phew! At least there’s help if it gets out of control.

T-day was very nice. I was a bit worried about getting it all together food wise, but it turned out pretty good. R, M, and the Ps came over. Then we all headed over to S&Ms for dessert. That’s when my mother blew it and told people about my glass animal collection and those weird little shellacked mud dolls my aunt bought for me when I was a tot. I don’t know why grandmothers or aunts think it’s important for one to have a collection of something. And why would you get any kid a collection of glass animals? You can’t play with them. But collectables like this aren’t supposed to be played with and that just seems strange. Why collect something you can only look at and not touch? But here I am regressing into my childhood with a collection of male celebrity (and some female) dolls from the 70s and 80s. The difference is that I’m going to play with my dolls - blow ups and all.

Friday we went bowling, and man that was megablast fun! I completely and totally sucked, and the German wasn’t much better, but it was a good time. The last time I went bowling was at least 20 years ago at the Waveland Bowl in Chicago with Tim and Natasha. That’s a whole other story in itself. Anyway, I bowled 36 for my first game and 66 for the second! I totally improved in the second round!!! The German did a tad better, but his alley lane “run” looked more like sneaking up to kill some small burrowed animal (as Fred mentioned). All in all, the other peeps were much better bowlers, but we all had a good time (plus they played rap music over the loud speaker – AWESOME! And there were a lot of "cool" local teenagers hanging out there. Plus plus, there was cheap beer and smoking. DOUBLE AWESOME!!).

Then we headed over to Clark Place to listen to the "Alex Wilson Blues Band" from Milwaukee. It's a band of three brothers. All in all, they seemed pretty good to me, but there was some strange affectation going on when they were playing (you know that weirdo guitar face that looks so faked out sometimes?). The worst, however, was when the base player and the "regular guitar player" (I don't know what this person is called) did this sexual 69 position guitar kung-fu sound off. Totally weird and inappropriate. Luckily, it didn't last long. Then we all danced, and of course Fred and Ginger were showing off their talented dancing skills, so the rest of us had to get up there and douzy-do (sp?) with green Christmas tree peeps (supplied by J) in our mouths puffing out the marshmallow goodness to show that we, too, could get our groove on - even to blues music with a crowd of 15. It was a good time.

Are you an online auction addict? If you think you may suffer from this terrible disease, take the above quiz and I’ll send you the link to purchase those helpful books and tapes about online addiction.

Gas station lunches, Ponch and Anne Frank's chestnuts

Gas station lunches are the worst. For some reason, I’ve been unable to get my act together to pack a lunch for work, and the cafeterias on campus are either too crowded or too gross. So, the other day, I stopped at a place that has decent soup and sandwiches, but the line was so frickin’ long (of course there was one person working the register and one making the food) that I was forced to walk into the attached gas station (yes, this is gross in itself). I wound up buying some cheese sticks, wheat thins and gummi bears. Not ideal, but I was aggravated and in a hurry. I also can’t force myself to buy those nasty prepackaged egg or tuna salad sandwiches or curling iron hot dogs. Icksville. It’s just impossible to ever feel good about a gas station lunch.

Johnny Depth had a “porn” party Friday night in Chicago. I was invited, but didn’t go (like I need more than a week’s notice for a party in a different city, JD?!?!? Hello). Man, I really wanted to go. It was a launch party for a new porn site he created. If you want the address, let me know. It’s XXX rated, so I’ll caution you there. I wonder what kind of food you serve at a porn party?

The other night I decided I wanted to become eccentric, so yesterday (Sunday) was the day I was going to put it into practice, but I was sidetracked (by making horseradish and through other practical realizations). This whole interest in becoming eccentric was precipitated by watching “Independent Lens” last week on PBS. The show featured this art collector in the Bay Area of California (I forgot his name), and he was your basic Joe kind of guy, which is what made his art collecting far more interesting, and yet he had amassed over 4,000 works of art in a decade. It was a rather fascinating look into his life. The problem with my whole gig of wanting to become eccentric is that I don’t think it’s something you can cultivate. I believe it’s more an inherent quality (the German certainly possesses this), and this insight was a real set back. I guess I’ll just have to live vicariously through eccentric people. As a whole, they are far more interesting than the rest of us boring saps.

Keep your eye out for male dolls. I seem to have inadvertently started a collection of male doll kitsch, so I’d like to keep it up. So far I have Ed Grimley (he talks), Pee Wee Herman, Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, Bill & Ted, and Mr. Plastic No Nuts. I wouldn’t mind having a Joey Lawrence doll (from Blossom fame), Six Million Dollar Man (preferably with the complete orange jumpsuit), the 1974 naked PONCH Eric Estrada doll, or the Starsky or Hutch action figure doll. I may also be interested in that chestnut that fell off the tree that Anne Frank stared at through her attic window. I think it’s on auction now for about $700. This, I realize, has nothing to do with collecting male dolls, but it would still make a nice stocking stuffer.

If someone can prove that they will be eating Turducken on Thanksgiving while listening to Camper von Beethoven then you will win a prize! I need at least a photographic, audio clip or a witness to the event.

Too much breast

Man, I am on a blog roll....so much for a strike.

Sat. 1:45 p.m.
Drooler is here. Oh yeah, so I'm at the ref desk AGAIN on a frickin' Saturday afternoon. Can I just tell you how many nutcases pour out of the woodwork on Saturday afternoons? The annoying outfits, milkcrate carrying cases, bodily noises, and irritating conversations are all here to haunt me for the next 2 and a half hours. No wonder I drink more than I used to.

Bravo to PSM for her Suessical look last night at our Mexican writing retreat. It was quite awesomely put together. Why can’t more people get it together style wise? I’ll try to describe the look as best as I can: A basic sneaker, dark rainbow colored knee-hi socks pulled all the way up, long khaki shorts, a pink Maurice Sendak t-shirt, a light blue turtleneck sweater, a darker blue fleece vest, a red kid-like hat with a black kitten on it, and rainbow gloves. While it may sound like a kooky outfit reading it, this ensemble really pulls together in creative and fun way. And our writing group is celebrating THREE YEARS of writing togetherness this December!!! Pretty exciting. Plus, I don’t remember one occasion where we haven’t laughed so hard we were crying. I love that!

I talked to my granny today. Man that woman can drive you up a tree, but she can be funny as hell. She’s having all these pains in her left side; she described them as excruciating, so her doctor prescribed some Vicodin. She was pissed at first because her doc wasn’t giving her refills, and it’s hard for granny to get to the doctor considering she’s 95 years old! So, she complained about it, but then the doctor said he was worried she might get “hooked.” Granny laughed and said, “I’m 95 - who cares if I’m hooked on anything. It’s a day by day thing right now.” Pretty funny. She also complained about the food shows she likes to watch because the girls show “too much of their breasts.” She doesn’t like any titillation of any kind –especially televised cooking shows. She did say she likes the Barefoot Contessa because at least she doesn’t show her breasts on TV. Thank god for that.

Email butt-whistle

Email signature quotes
What’s up with the quote in signature lines? Seriously. I’ve had enough. Enough with the quotes!! Those English teacher people have a propensity for this quote business. Blah. No more! If you feel compelled to share your favorite quote, can’t you be a little clever about it? How about an RSS live quote feed so we’re not bored with the same one we’ve been reading for 7 years? There’s an idea.

Importance: High
Things deserving the “high importance” tag in emails include emergency situations or social gatherings. That’s it. Your email, self-important student #12 on left hand side of classroom, to let me know that your lame homework is going to be late because you have to go deer hunting, does not warrant “high importance.” I noticed people who typically abuse the high importance tag also have all that confidentiality crap and to “delete the message if received in error.” Please! That’s as bad as….

the obligatory Read Receipt!!! I’m not going to tell you when I read your important fancy pants message and at what time I read it!!!!!! Give me a break.

Sender would like to recall message
What? You have sender’s remorse and this is the way you’re telling me? Don’t ever EVER use recall! A simple follow up message, “Sorry, university of … employees, I didn’t mean to call you all big fuckwads” is much nicer than that ode to code crappy recall response. There are actually self-destructive recallable email software packages out there, and some are free, so if you feel like this is a problem, get yourself some of that jimmy recall juice!

Super double extra credit

Thanks VS for sending this. I am SO DIGGING the idea of a party like this in our neck of the backwoods. The party idea is Dan Levenson's (Brooklyn - of course), but man I'd pay this guy for his idea. Who's in????

Here's my template version...

What: The All-Smoking Art Opening – Sponsored by ?
When: ONE NIGHT ONLY -- 9:00pm – ?
Where: TBA

This special event will feature more than 100 smoking intellectuals and artistic types perusing an exhibition of all-black artworks (I'm showing a Bootleg "DB"). If you missed out on Paris in the 1920s, this is your big chance, and maybe your last chance, as the coming ice age of mediocrity, blandness and uniformity descends permanently on SP’s “cultural landscape.”

Visitors are encouraged to wear dark-colored clothing and chic eye or foot wear. Extra credit for carrying a book of poetry, philosophy or modernist literature. Super extra credit if this book is written in a language other than English. Super double extra credit if you and a friend can discuss this book in that language.

Free cigarettes will be available for smokers, provided courtesy of Tobacco Outlet. Non-smokers are grudgingly welcome, but stay out of our way.

The event will be broadcast live over the internet.