Getting to the bottom of things

The mysterious “rusty spoon in mail” incident is still under investigation. I’ll let you know the outcome once more evidence is collected.

An ex-boyfriend contacted me about a week ago via email. Not sure what to make of that. I couldn't tell if he was in one of those 12-step programs or just really wanted to talk because he was depressed. We went out when I was an undergrad. He was funny as fuck, and pretty fucked up to boot. Too bad it turned romantic 'cause we would have been much better off as friends. He was another brush with B-grade fame 'cause his sister was the (in)famous Flashdance actress (you know that off the shoulder cut mid-drift sweatshirt is making a come back). I wonder if he sent the rusty spoon?

People don’t believe me when I tell them about sphincter bleaching, but it’s true. Just check out crappersquarterly.com. It’s super popular in Australia right now. I guess the best cream on the market these days is called “pink cheeks.” It’s specifically made for self-applied inner butt waxing/bleaching, but you can also go to a salon and have it done for $75. Makes a nice Christmas gift for that special lady.

I drank a peculiar amount of beer last night, but I woke up as peppy as a pussy this morning. Crazy. I think I was really just babysitting that last beer, so maybe that’s why I was okay. I must say the most interesting segment of the evening was G’s demonstration of interpretive “safety hand” dance signals while walking through cubical farms. Pretty hilarious.

“Pure Sugar Magic” sent me a list of her rock recommendations in my newfound rock exploration quest inspired by the basement band posse – “trailer hitch” (I know, I wish the name was “thrifty hauler,” but some people just won’t listen). "Sugar" totally rocks, so I’m sure this is a way cool list:

Lynard Skynard
Kiss--any greatest hits
Led Zeppelin--led zeppelin IV
Poison, Open Up and Say Ah
Motley Crue Dr. Feelgood
Cinderella, Greatest Hits album
Rolling Stones greatest hits albums
Guns' N Roses, Lies, Use Your Illusion I and II, Appetite for Destruction
The Doors
Metallica, Black Album
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Mother's Milk or Blood Sugar Sex Magic (Great album!!)
Nirvana, Nevermind
Slaughter, Stick it to Ya
Jackyl, Jackyl

I’ll close with a little excerpt from my “Granny has curls” story:

“Granny always gave me advice over the years. Never waste good alcohol in any recipe ‘cause it just burns off. Don’t touch your privates! Never leave perfectly good rolls at the restaurant - just stuff ‘em in your knee highs and take them home. You can make a whole meal out of Jell-O. Don’t pick your nose! Get those fancy ideas out of your head. You must have picked that up from your mother. Stop touching your privates!”