Dental Smackdown! (title courtesy of PSM)

So like right at this moment I have a large piece of cotton hanging out of my mouth that is soaked in Milk of Magnesia. I have a washcloth next to the keyboard to catch the milky drool. I’m also wearing a dirty bathrobe with my dangling boobs underneath because I’ve gone “sans bra” tonight, and I have greasy hair and dark bags under my eyes. Pretty? U betcha!

This is like shitcrazy ridiculous! Jesus. It wasn’t even the procedure itself (root canal, pins inserted into brain, building up broken tooth and filling, temp crown), but it’s the wretched aftermath of a cut tongue and breakout of canker sores under my tongue that have made me speechless. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Wow, she can’t talk?!!?!?!?!? TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!! The German is certainly in a state of ecstasy right now.

According to “Tooth Booth Dental Blog,” there are four types of dental fear:

1) Specific fear
2) Loss of control
3) Catastrophe
4) GAD (General Anxiety Disorder)

What about 5) after the procedure anxiety disorder? Like, I totally don’t want to go back to get the real crown because I may be out for weeks!!!! I already took two days off this week, and I almost never take off work’cause I’m sick. This is the first time in 6 years that I didn’t teach my classes at the Library. Totally SUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, there is no cure for these frickin’ canker sores and cut tongue. It just “takes time.” Oh yeah, the cut tongue was sort of a combination of the dentist’s slip and me jerking in my chair during some moment of gagging after two plus hours of sitting there. And god knows I’ve certainly had canker sores before, but not like a mustard gas explosion of them.

I’m continuing the various remedies I’ve read about and what the dentist told me to do: Ibuprofen, ice, salt water gargles, peroxide rinses, non-SLS toothpaste, Milk of Magnesia or Maalox, and various assorted Orabase topical ointments.

I stupidly tried to eat a Swedish Fish yesterday. Man, that was a dumbass mistake. I held it in my hand for a few minutes to get it soft (kinda like we used to put Nestle’ Crunch bars on the back of the old tube TV sets so they would melt and we’d lick it right off the foil. Good times!), and then I tried to slowly suck/chomp on the right side, but man alive! Total disaster. The only shit I’ve been able to eat is mac & cheese and ice cream. These foods require no giant jaw chomping, no spice, and swallows pretty easily.

I can still type though. Hence, this long-ass boring email about my teeth. I have been productive at home though: Reading, working on an article, responding to my gazillion 60-70 email messages per day, working on my creative writing piece about Mari, laundry, thinking about more ways I can be eco-friendly in my house (like not washing myself for three days…mmmm mmmmm good!), and ordering a “Barackolicious” t shirt.