Funeral Home Interlude

Our neighbor died last week. She was 99. The German and I met her a few times when we moved into our new house. She was not doing so well back then and moved to a nursing home soon after we moved into our house. Now, I have a death etiquette question for my readers. We want to buy her house because it not only has a garage, but a SECOND gigantic garage for all the German’s unusable cars, centrifuges, spectrometers and other mad scientist paraphernalia, which would allow me to park my car in our garage – something I’ve been dreaming about for 8 long years. Our neighbor's funeral was just this past Saturday, and we were going to call the nephew tonight, but it got too late, so we may try again tomorrow. Does anyone know a tactful way of expressing interest in the house and remorse at the same time? See, if we were in NYC, this place would already be gone, so I don’t feel too guilty about wanting to call. Plus, we want to control our little corner of the north side and create a compound – sort of like the Michigan Militia without guns. The funeral home does have a page on its site where you can send an online condolence - and you can even include clipart pictures of Jesus, angels, the Om, Star of David, the peace sign or the American flag. Maybe I should just send one of those with an asking price for the house? Hmm.

Now, if we buy the neighbor house then we will be vast landowners and can conceivably take over the neighborhood. And if M gets that job, then maybe Pilates Gate woman will move away, then N can take a day care break, and then I can take Pilates again and feel good about myself. See? It may all work out in the end to my advantage – because it’s all about me.

I am the worst choreographer known to mankind. I had a disastrous class this evening trying to furiously finish this piece – and guess what? You can’t choreograph in 10 minutes or less!! It may work for learning Chinese, but not for dance. I’ve actually been working on this piece for some time, but it just sucks. Maybe I’ll get the German to do some spontaneous science experiment on stage to distract from the wretched choreography. At least it’s not CATS. That would certainly be worse.

Fred and Ginger are having an “end of the year” party this week and I’m super excited because it will be a nice introduction to my week in Key Largo. I’m already in vacation mode mentally. I’m dreaming about really good fish tacos, some Cuban fare, sun, margaritas, bars on the beach, trashy reading, more margaritas, cabana boy staring and Shell World – the largest tackiest shell store in the United States!!!!! Does that kick ass or what? I just hope I don’t get eaten by any alligators. Seems to be an epidemic there right now.

Well, I’m still looking for material for my “Good Substitutions” list. If you have any that you’d like to provide, just leave them in the comments section and I’ll include them in the next installation.

BTW, will “J” ever fess up? I still don’t know who this mysterious person is that commented on my boots from ArtsBash and wanting me to wear an EMT outfit next year. Hmm?