Heinous Song Contest Winner

This was a difficult decision. Even the rubric and poking out my eardrums did not seem to help. Strangely, a handful of gummi worms cleared my mind.

I’ll start with a review of each entry before revealing the winner:

Shatty shat obviously has a hard time sticking to game playing rules (also evident in board game participation). I disagree that the Pina Colada song and The Way That I Want to Touch You really warrant the “most heinous” title. They are catchy in their own syrupy romantic 1970s way. Muskrat Love, however, is completely heinous, so I’ll give you that one. (A Justin Timberlake entry just came in from Shatty Shat, but I’m afraid it’s too late to be considered).

While some argue that “...even the oft-damned 'Owner of a Lonely Heart' isn't bad - come on, that's a catchy bass line - hell, if Zappa liked it enough to incorporate it into "Bamboozled by Love", who are we to say?" [Source: Reviewed by Bob Eichler from Ground & Sky Review site], others are smart enough to never make that argument. N, in a moment of afterthought, changed her entry to We Built This City on Rock and Roll by Jefferson Starship – a world favorite heinous song according to this blog posse and 389,000 people on Google. This is a good case of last minute switching.

Plum, in her fastidious and scrupulous attention to details of all matter – including music – also chose We Built This City on Rock and Roll by Jefferson Starship. Given her declaration that this song has the “ability to drive all other songs out of your head,” as I was tortured not so long ago by the Facts of Life theme song, her entry is also consistent with the 389,000 Google people and blog posse.

Surlycheshire is a walking “Facts on File” of all songs (she also frequently sings “Baby got Back” at karaoke night). I had never even heard We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off to Have a Good Time by Jermaine Stewart (former Soul Train dancer). This song was the hit single from his album, Frantic Romantic (1989). I think the video speaks for itself. It’s definitely in the El DeBarge/Milli Vanilli genre of musical talent. I give it an A+ for most heinous.

CarnivalArsonist chimed in with Mr. Roboto, but I’m afraid I’m in complete agreement with Plum that it’s “catchy, kitschy, fun and funny - even in its awfulness.” I also had no idea this song was based on a rock opera with a pretty complex plot line:

“The song is sung by Kilroy (as played by keyboardist Dennis DeYoung), a rock and roll performer who was placed in a futuristic prison for "rock and roll misfits" by the anti-rock-and-roll group the Majority for Musical Morality (MMM) and its founder Dr. Everett Righteous (played by guitarist James Young). He escapes the prison by overtaking a Roboto prison guard and hiding inside the emptied-out metal shell. The Roboto is a model robot which does menial jobs in the prison. The song may be understood as Kilroy's dedication to the robot that, through being sacrificed in such a way, allowed Kilroy to escape the prison.” [Source: Wikipedia].

Man, that’s some intense shit. I also think this song has a lot of potential rhythms for some concept break dancing. However, there was still mention of everyone’s favorite, We Built This City on Rock and Roll by Jefferson Starship. Therefore, I believe this is still the most heinous song according to this blog posse and 389,000 people on (the) Google.

Other N wondered why Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire even exists, but luckily (being the good librarian) I found the answer from a Mr. Ron Kurtus on a site called, “School for Champions - an educational website that shows you how to achieve your dreams.” I don’t know if this is the most heinous song, but I do think Mr. Kurtus’ interpretation of why this song is so powerful (it even includes a mini-quiz) is certainly heinous:

“In 1989, singer Billy Joel released a popular song entitled We Didn't Start the Fire. The song simply lists historical personalities and events from 1949 until 1989. Just hearing the mention of them brought back memories of the times to many listeners. The lyrics of the song proved to be a good summary of the history of that era. Questions you may have about this are:

How good a song can a list of names be?
What are the lyrics to the song?
What about these people and events?

Mini-quiz to check your understanding:

1. Why did Billy Joel pick the years from 1949 until he wrote the song in 1989?
- Those were the most important years in the history of the world
- Those were years he experienced while growing up
- Those were the years after television news programs started

2. Were the events and people mentioned in the song historical?
- If they were in the news, they were historical
- All people mentioned were personal friends of Billy Joel
- Most events never happened and were taken from TV shows

3. What did starting the fires have to do with anything?
- Billy Joel was known as a "fire bug"
- He uses fires as a metaphor for negative events
- Fires have been historical events since the great Chicago fire

There is nothing more to say. Mr. Kurtus has said it all.

Last, but not least, is Jim Beam’s (aka Zinger – no, not the Little Debbie type, but the witty comeback type) entry, Everybody Have Fun Tonight by the 1980s London new wave band Wang Chung (originally called Huang Chung). This song was voted the third worst song ever by Blender magazine. I must say there is nothing catchy or fun about this tune. It’s unadulterated awfulness. But the good news is that in 2002, Geffen Records released 20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: The Best of Wang Chung. We couldn’t live without it. HEINOUS!

WINNER
I know this is an intense moment. I struggled with coming up with one winner for most heinous song, but I simply couldn’t do it. They were all great heinous entries. Therefore, you’ve all won the most heinous song contest!

Prizes will be mailed or hand delivered within 2-4 weeks. The return of any prize as undeliverable will result in forfeiture of the prize and selection of an alternate winner, which will be difficult in this case because there are no alternate winners. So, please claim your prize!

Thank you all for playing. You’re awesome. I love you.