Communal Liquids

HAG
It’s official. Heart Attack Guy has LEFT THE BUILDING, and I hope it’s for good. Not surprisingly, he left quite a heap of garbage in “his” room (like can you not bring your fucking garbage downstairs??), and a plethora of crumpled dirty Kleenex in his trash can. Umm, there was a giant industrial sized bottle of lotion next to his bed, so…uh…get out the rubber gloves! Total freeloader time: 4 weeks and 5 days. Did he offer us a dime? No. Did he clean anything up? No. Did I do his laundry with dirty skid mark underwear? Yes. Am I an idiot? Yes.

Oscar Fashionista?
Was it me or was Cameron Diaz in fact wearing a paper airplane last night at the Oscars? That was a tripped out idiotic dress. I wish someone would just dress funky and not give a shit. And, ladies, let’s learn how to walk in our heels and not look like an ass on a trapeze. Jesus.

Fondue Stube
This week, the “gang” went over to Gs house for some fondue. I was hoping for a totally 70s experience, and actually it came quite close. The house even had sort of a 70s smell to it – I can’t quite articulate what that means; just that’s what it was for me. The fondue itself was quite good – if you’re into communal hot liquids - and the accoutrements were very nice. It was certainly a better fondue than that shitty Fondue Stube restaurant on Peterson in Chicago. What a rip off that place is. My friend, A, loves going there because you can smoke – which I also dig – but I don’t base my culinary choices on whether or not I can smoke. What the hell is a stube anyway? Anyway, after liquid sharing, some of us trucked over to one of the local bars in town to listen to some horrendous garage goat cheese band. I’m not a connoisseur of live bands, nor do I have the ability to really analyze skillz, but this band was wretched in its sameness. Every fucking song sounded the same to me. And as N poignantly pointed out – it was the kind of music that makes you want to kill something.

My Literary Fame
The other piece of good news (aside from heart attack guy leaving), is that I actually got a piece of creative (nonfiction essay) writing (Granny Has Curls) accepted for publication. I was pretty blown away, and I sent the thing off in FUCKING JUNE!! I had basically given up on it. Jesus. Anyway, it will be available in an online not-well-known literary journal. Like I told my writing group friends, I don’t care if the editor is some pedophile sitting on death row picking lint out of his ass, I’m just happy it got accepted.

Library Pervs (continued)
I guess we have a new perv in the library (this will make perv #5) who likes to rub his feet on girls who are studying and then he flees. Supposedly, he sneaks up on them while they’re engrossed in their reading (I guess he doesn’t have shoes on according to one victim) and proceeds to rub their shoulders or neck with his feet. Not sure if he wears socks. So, the building managers and campus security are on the lookout for him. They have yet to catch him. Maybe he just watched too many Jon Waters films.

Phase 2 – Tenure Party
I’m trying to determine where would be a good place for my second party. I think I’ll throw this one out to the group. Here is a list of potential choices, but I’m game for alternatives (I believe we went through this before, so it’s a bit of a repeat. Get over it!). The party can’t take place until I get my stupid fucking letter from administration. Here’s a reality time zone check of turnaround time for anything in this weird academic universe: University time – 6-12 months. Corporate time – 6 minutes. Okay, here’s the list:

- Dance studio - I will have to get permission and see if I can bring in alcohol, but I’m guessing not, and with this crowd that will be a big no.
- Bowling – This is a new idea. There are a couple of local bowling places. I’ve never ventured into any of them, but it could be interesting. Especially if they have fake nachos and bad music.
- The Congress Club – No comment (not to be confused with the Pick Congress - no longer exists - hotel in Chicago).
- Bruiser’s (listed as a “social eatery” in the yellow pages) – uh, no.
- Skate City – We could rent a Lamers bus to get there. Actually, I work for Lamers (a well kept secret). This place is located in that stinky religious paper mill town. On Friday and Saturday nights they have something called “Aggressive Skate Night” and “Outer Limits Dance Club Skating.”
- Fleet Farm – We could have lots of fun in the aisles. Actually, I guarantee we’d have fun – like playing around with those “ball cutter contraptions,” liquid horse medication and rubber tits, eating generic industrial sized candy, and smelling cheap rubber boots, but I’m guessing we’d get kicked out.